The Reality of Desire

I didn’t know who to look for. I simply figured they would shout ‘Set, Set’ Set;, in the deliciously cute way that Latinos consistently mispronounce the third son of Adam & Eve (Im not sure if the founders of the discreetly packaged phallic toys also had a 3rd son).

Staying with a family takes patience. And a slightly absurdist state of mind considering most people can’t even remain with their own families. But when a person wants to immerse themselves in a culture, staying in an assembly line hotel or a hostel full of inebriated backpacks will not suffice.

So when your new host, turns out to be a single hostess with a wit to match her rack, the mind exits the physical body and carries on an extended touchdown dance while the mindless sap thanks the pre-ordaining bestowed upon him by the Dumpster Dude.

Then, the Reality Show mindset, something every American can be proud of obtaining, starts producing. America may be rightfully mocked for many things, but when it comes to earning a living off ideas, the kids of Uncle Sam rule. Even if those children think they invented ideas that come from other lands.

So the Reality show goes a little something like this…..wide eyed gawky gringo moves into a foreign city with some foreigners. Cast includes:
Hot Mommy who is having a texting cell phone affair with a mystery man in Barcelona (I meet him on ‘Match punto Com)
Her very charming Mom, known as MaMa who is also the leader of a clothes smuggling affair, where she sends boxes of clothes to Cuba for resale
The undisciplined & hysterical 4 yrold son/grandson
The HOT Daughter, now legally downloaded at 18

Will family conflict ensue? Can gawky gringo actually pull off the trifecta? Will the recently seduced daughter walk-in on her mom & G.G.? Or will MaMa walk in on the childgrandchildfuturesoninlaw reunion? Will the young boy stab the visitor in a jealous rage? Or has this whole game been put on by granmama to bring her internet love of an American to Quito simply to prove her latinaness to her doubting daughters?

Is it wise to sleep with women you must have non-intimate relations with? Landlord>Tenant, Teacher>Student, Boss>Underling, Father>Daughter, etc.

This universally known dilemma would soon become more complicated. Like trying to decide between a hot fudge sundae and vanilla milkshake while the server lets you take a bite of a freshly baked double fudge brownie. Oh..there’s a reece’s pieces ice cream cake under the showcase.

Going back to school is daunting. Perhaps explaining why I’ve withdrawn grad school applications TWICE. Berkeley is probably still waiting for my essay on “Cultural Anthropology & Why I like it” But if your going to be filming a Reality tv show, and you need to stay put for awhile, and the inhabitants of the Set are not home during the day, and, yeah that’s Right, another AND, you have no job so you need something to do……..going back to School for Spanish class becomes an option.

So what happens when a young man, who can never get a seat assignment with cute Caroline, walks into his first classroom in over ten years and finds a sumptuous petit Latina, wearing library glasses, long dark Incan hair, with a tight cream colored top delicately exposing her bodies ANDEAN descent, and a half serious face that conveys “Im ready for a new Conquistador”.

Not to bring my good friend back into the picture, but Jesus Christ, can’t a guy have a simple place to stay with an unattractive boring family and learn Spanish with a serious Male scholar (a bit elderly too).

Things did improve on the Homefront. Libidinal concentration was able to be concentrated on one member of the Reality Hosts. One night after dinner, while fixating on the youngest gal’s dishwashing technique, A prolonged exposure of dense Amazonian growth running lengthwise from the spine’s centerpoint well into the forbidden ravine hidden between Lee’s Best ended any hope for the Triple Play. But Grandma still looked ravishing, in her own Post-Flapper way.

But school…well, if that’s what you call a dilapidated 8x12 astroturfed office in a condemned building…..was proving a concentration disaster. Not only did my ‘Professor’ (a term of my fantasy’s giving for the former Opair – yep, that one dark girl with the two young blonde kids in a yuppie neighborhood near you—and part-time airport worker) taunt me with her slightly revealing wardrobe, but she continued to dole out that stern look behind those 50’s styled glasses. I needed to change focus.

When unable to conduct conversations in the darkest of humor, my mind turns to items of a ‘societal’ nature. Which, in retrospect, are probably the same thing.

Somehow, with a 4th grade Spanish vocabulary, I was able to discuss the underbelly of American social problems, that many American delirious 3rd World residents forget about. Heck, even American delirious Americans forget about.

The conversation seemed ok, until a particular translation. Now, to footnote, without straining eyes or losing place, speaking a second language requires the constant translation of words in your head. Until you know the language so well, that you actually think in two languages. Not here. So while diatribing in a hopefully thoughtful, but most likely retardedly slow way, I came upon my next sentence for translation in my wave pool of a mind ----

“Americano Africano…”. Yeah. It sounded that stupid to me too. But I was trying to spread the disastrous politically correct movement to a new continent. Well….Teach gave me an incredibly non-sensual befuddled look. I tried saying “Americanos con Afros.” Shit. I was doomed.

TeacherYOUR-SUCH-A-BADSTUDENT began to explain her concerns in Spanish. I seemed to understand. She never knew we had so many Africans in our country. And why so many of them don’t get married and allow a relative to raise their kid, who then grows up undisciplined, joining gangs, and tormenting inner city residents until death or the church saves ‘em. She didn’t understand the problem Africans had in America.

Its one thing to talk about race issues in America, and say the “Blacks” or the “Whites”.

But to have an American Societal conversation in Spanish, and say “Los NEGROES”, sounds a bit callous.

And explaining the concept of politically correct gets even more toungetwisting.

My vocabulary was running on empty when trying to explain why “midgets, jews, homos, hugs, casual wear, ass slaps” were no longer popular excepted terms/things.
But promising to tell the truth on a Christian Bible in a National Court of Law was still appropriate.

I finally lost patience with the whole concept in translation, when I wanted to refer to black African Americans as “people who were born to people who were born to people who were born to slaves that were forced to come to America” That long translation amounted to “people are born to people and are born to people until they come as slaves to America” Completely frustrating. But looking back, perhaps more truthful than I realized in relation to all colors of immigrants coming to the Land of Liberty.

Oh, ‘DoucheBag’ is not in my Spanish/English dictionary. The slowhand Spanish translation of “una bolsa para su punani” doesn’t exactly pack the same kind of heat.
Next time a Hispanic looking person tries to cut you off on the road, try using the Spanish version, and see if you have any feeling of redemption after muffling that one out your lips.

Like all good reality shows, this one will be extended for more heart wrenching episodes.

Spanish Class continues with such seducing lessons like verb tenses and pronouns, posed by Professor S&M, as: “You ate lunch. You eat lunch. You would like to eat lunch. You would like to eat my lunch. You would like me to eat your lunch.”

And on the homefront, Mommy, not to be confused with MaMa, has been giving the Gawky Gringo Salsa Lessons. An act that requires close contact and loose pants.
And to add to the kink factor, involves the entire family, along with friends, watching on the couch.

The next episode will delve into G.G’s mixed emotions after learing that Mommy has been vigorously exercising to a tape.

“Maybe know him. Billy Banks. A black man”

Do you hit on a MILF trained by America’s B Movie Star Sensation turned Infomercial Tae-Bo Jihadi Trainer?