Ponteril, or some name similar, had been working in Dubai less then five months as a room attendant at the airport Hotel. Room rates started at $300 a night but he was bringing home around $170 a month. All workers in Dubai are required to have a contract. These contracts stipulate they have a one year work agreement mandating 6 days a week and 9 hours a day. Currently, no kidney donation is required. If the employee completes said contract successfully, he, or she, is allowed a 30 day break before being granted another work invitation. That sounds so sweet…hey honey, guess what I just got in the mail. An invitation to clean. I'm so excited, I'm going to start washing our sheets RIGHT NOW. I'll be back in a year, but don't worry, I'll send home money every month. Live. Oh, I'll be fine. I only have to share a room in a small one bedroom apartment with 14 other people, and I will have enough to eat something and send you the rest.
Much like recent immigrants in the U.S., Dubai workers send home every dollar not spent on rent or the occasional hooker. Unlike the U.S. though, the United Arab Emirates, governing body of the city, does not offer the promise of citizenship. With very few exceptions, all 'residents' of Dubai not originally from the Emirates, are all considered 'visitors.' And one convicted crime gets you deported. With legal standards rivaling the fair & equitable practices of a U.S. military tribunal.
So with 85% of the population coming from out of the country, and most of those being laborers or traders, and most of those earning wages considered unjust by 'western standards', and some, maybe most…of those coming from countries with serious political conflicts such as Indian/Pakistan, Ethiopia/Somalia, and Iran/Iraq, what kind of chaos is going on?
The workers are cutting it. Surviving. And by scores of interviews and observations, things are all right. Most people want more money. And feel they deserve it. But who doesn't. Almost all labor have left their families back in their home country, and it is there that the majority of their earnings get sent. But they all have work. They make at least double to triple, if not more, then employment in their own country. There is no begging. There is a job for every single person that arrives in the country. The physical face of labor does not show the same signs of wear as labor in factories, mines, fields, or other traditionally exploited labor.
Safety. Perhaps the most desirable thing for a human after shelter and food (keep it clean, no filthy talk in legislative discourse, unless you want to meet up in stall 4, over in Concourse 3). Without it, comfort is either too expensive or never possible. And throughout Dubai, even in the most densely populated, labor centric quarters, crime is relatively unheard of. Why? Because if they fuck up, just once, They get the Royal Emirati Boot in da ass. And its stuck in their for life. No return allowed. Yep. Its not taxpayer money supporting jailtime. Its back to the MotherLand. And, as a result..there is very little crime.
Raise your hand if you see where this is going. C'mon. Get 'em high. The number one issue affecting North America & Europe (and I guess Australia and their island cousins but until they stop sucking the Queen's teat, we'll call them 'europe') after penile enlargement mass emailings, is…IMMIGRATION. Most cultures through history have proven xenophobic…heck, to this day in urban centers, there is still griping about one ethnic/socio-economic group replacing another. This is inevitable and unchangeable. But immigration foes have a quasi-legitimate complaint/fear: New Immigrants are stealing jobs from locals and causing crime, plus they are eating away at public resources. Sensible minds know this fear is factually Inaccurate. But the issue still remains, and can become more volatile without a coherent plan. Afterall, an economy can only support so many jobs until people are forced to turn to crime, or…to Jesus, and then, after sickening of Spam, sugar cookies and Hi-C, to crime. And with crime, especially crime from 'the outside', the American Bin Ladens, the Italian Musolinis, The French…they start gaining political clout, and the next thing you know is your older brother Teddy is working the 2nd shift at Auschwitz Meadows.
Here is what we, the staff at borderpatrol dot biz, propose:
1. An acceptance that capitalism will never disappear. This declaration is crucial as competing eco-political ideologies undermine the fundamental core of this plan. And really hurt our website's chances of landing important Google ad links.
2. The only way to bring opportunity and stability to 'developing' countries is through the development of homegrown economies. Accept this. We are living in a model based on Stinking Rich Gulf State Lassiez Faire Political Totalitarianism. You may not dissent.
3. 'Developed' countries need to support the economic development of other countries to ensure their own safety. Whether via micro-finance programs or internationally legitimated banking programs that provide better access to affordable home loans while ensuring rights to property lien. 9/11 has roots in poverty. People from cultures with ample economic opportunity do not join violent sects en masse. They got work to do.
4. Any business, no matter how small, that needs an employee, no matter how small a job, may provide a contract for any foreign laborer, no matter how small in stature, when a legal resident is unwilling to fill the position. The contract shall be valid for one year, provide for no floggings, and allow a minimum 6 week break to return to family. All labor rules of host nation shall apply.
5. Somehow, by the grace of honesty, only one adult member per child rearing family, or unlimited non child raising adults, will be allowed entry.
6. The contractee will not pay income taxes, and will never be eligible for public aid. Public services will be provided to offer investment counseling advice, and financial perks to invest money in MotherLand. Does that term piss off Father's Rights advocates?
7. In order to encourage family unity, contractees will only be allowed a maximum of 10 years of work. At such time, resident visa status may applied for, but will be discouraged unless applicant has shown sufficient investment amount in their home country. The investment amount will be inflated to such a degree that most applicants will have mentally resigned themselves to building a life back HOME.
8. If contractee shall commit any crime, then its back to the Straw hut. Oh yeah, that should bring up the whining masses…But what if he is caught jaywalking, or falsely convicted by racists, or is speeding…Hey, it ain't perfect, but should we get all worked up over a few Mistakes?
9. All employers caught employing a non-contracted foreigner shall be heavily fined, jailed, and brutally sodomized by a recently ex-communicated Priest. Same goes for Landlords. But maybe their sodomizer can be slightly changed to that dude from Judas Priest. Internet will easily allow verification of status. No Job. No Home. Who wants to stay?
10. Exceptions will be made for verifiable business investors unless selling HerbaLife style products, or an AB training machine, or a fuzzy dice distributor, or some other product doomed for failure and assurance on the Begging Line. Exceptions will also apply to wealthy Saudis and the extended Tahitian family of Marlon Brando.
The good people at border patrol dot biz are still contemplating the following edicts:
1. Being born in a country should not guarantee you citizenship. Live there for a few years. Maybe that will stop the urge to expel developed fetus in developed country.
2. Celery is not a vegetable.
3. The re-birth of a human trade market where each criminally convicted citizen can be swapped for one foreign national, who will receive a green card. System to replace current Green Card lottery (U.S. interests only), and upon public airing of horrific letters from ex-patriated decaying inmates (to be read from the ensemble that read those Vietnam letters during that HBO show) and mandatory viewing of Midnight Express, a possible reduction in crime.
4. Stores selling gold plated paisley furniture will be required to prominently display a sign stating, "NEW IMMIGRANTS NOT ALLOWED, MUST SHOP AT NEAREST IKEA, APPROXIMATELY 21 MILES AWAY."
5. The driving of Vans will be limited to those with a minimum of 5 years driving experience, clean record, and a proven place of residence.
6. White people may be attacked for asking the waitstaff of an ethnic restaurant to change their cooking techniques.
7. Any 2nd generation (or later) citizen questioning new immigration law will be sent to survive for 5 years in the THIRD WORLD. If they survive their five year exile and still think that no one but themselves deserves a chance to take advantage of an economic powerhouse that grew to prominence (and still does) on the backs of the exploited, then they shall remain in the straw hut for five more years before being asked the question again.
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The editorial Board claim no responsibility for the following draft, but do acknowledge that the staff of presidential hopeful Ron Paul has asked permission to co-opt the previously stated with their current Platform. Furthermore, Senator Craig has asked for a highly tilted allocation of available immigration slots to young Latin men. Otherwise, we are still trolling for support. Thank you.
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