To Serve and To Protect

Thirty minutes ago, he was just another cop. Now we were holding hands, his smile broadening with every step, my oozing of hand sweat surprisingly absent. Were we two lovers, striding contentedly in post-coital bliss, or maybe father and his small boy on the way for some summer ice cream? It should have been weird, real fuckin' weird. Two hairy faced straight men, one with a 16 inch dagger strapped to his sateen robe and the other with a 2 incher retracting in it's shell, walking Hand-in-Hand down the middle of the street. In Yemen's ancient capital of Sanaa. 7,000 feet up. Where? In most countries, a cop could be shot for that. And if he survived that, he'd most certainly be castrated. But in a land where homosexual tendencies are the domain of the straight (and, well, not-so…), we were simply another pair of friends enjoying the warm winter afternoon.

I wasn't sure where he was taking me. It could have been to the Infidel prison I'd heard so much about. But when a turbaned man with a thick black mustache and easily accessible cutlery smiles at you, and offers his hand, well…you either run, or say, "What the hell, it's not every day the Arabian Tom Selleck propositions me?" We met outside his Precinct Station. I had been trying to locate the tourist police who issue travel permits to 'risque' areas. In a land with few tourists, and much bureaucracy, this seemingly simple procedure had become a tour of the city's well scattered police houses. Stop after stop, a friendly officer would continue the scavenger hut, sending me on my way to some other government building.

If there is a God, and it wanted one nation to embody unwavering friendliness, irrefutable hospitality, and stylized blade attire, then Yemen is the chosen child. If you stop for more then two minutes, on any given street, an armada of dagger wearing bystanders will offer their assistance, and when none is needed, you will be greeted, welcomed, and sometimes given a phone number should you need help. Having no understanding of Arabic is inconsequential. Although visible cleavage might be. As would a "Jews for Jesus" t-shirt.

Even in a society of genuine helpfulness, certain people have that look. You get that feeling when you first meet them. Like a particularly eye catching stranger who soon after becomes a passionate lover. Or, a latent familiarity with a new work associate who eventually becomes a close friend. Or, that uncomfort in your stomach with your seatmate on the subway who later follows you off the train, trailing you for blocks, until you finally duck for cover into an illegal gambling hall full of Haitian refugees who remind you that the only French you can remember is from that famous Disco song, so the end result of your night nullifies your decision to open that door.

I had that feeling with the cop. And luckily, he didn't speak French. I didn't expect to see him again after my scavenger hunt continued, but there he was, on the side of the road, chatting with some fruit vendors. Next thing ya know, we're swingin' arms down Mulberry.

Perhaps, the most essential ingredient in advancing knowledge, creating experience, deviating from your norm, is the ability to say YES. No's, but's, and maybes are guarantors of monotony. Unless, of course, that gut feeling from the train hits. When one lands in a new society, and wishes to acquire the "what's really up" feel of a place, acquiescing to this rule is obligatory.

Where were we going? Was he going to walk me into the tourist police, like some kind of lost pansy. Those guys would never give me travel permission to restricted areas. I could hear him now, behind a thick cloud of smoke, the corpulent on-duty chief bellowing, "Oh, the little baby American couldn't find his way. Poor baby. Get 'em outta here. Both of you. I don't ever want to see you in here again. And Tariq, turn in your dagger. I'm putting you on suspension. And if I ever see you holdin' some wuss bag American's hand again, you're getting' yours lopped off at the Friday Hand Chopping ceremonies in Town Square. Now Get."

Still no clamminess. Better then a first date. I should grab Pig hands more often. We had walked at least 20 minutes, and exhausted our entire vocabulary.

English: from where you come?

Arabic: Chicago. Big city. Very Cold. 10 below zero. (arms hug a quivering body)

English: Bush. (Arabic); very bad.

Arabic: I don't like Bush. America don't like Bush. Crazy person (index finger twirled next to ear, three times fast).

Arabic: wrfasfujgahgawgwgjasfsfjjwgawjgswiwgh

Arabic: I like Yemen. Good country. Good people.

Arabic: Yemen, good place. Wawrefilsjfwaflf swfwsulsf wfsfhsfl waf

Arabic: I like this city. Not cold. Not hot. Good.

Arabic: Yemen afwfwfewgfs wafasaf afwgassagwg

Arabic: Yemen is good country.

Arabic: Muslim?

Arabic: No.

Arabic: Christian.

Arabic: No

Arabic: What?

English: Pagan

Arabic: wrafa afwtw?

Arabic: My name is Enrico.

Arabic: I am Tariq.

Arabic: Hi.

Arabic: Bush werafasfg wagawf wfasffwg America awrwgagsg America people good.

Arabic: Yes, Bush is crazy person. I don't like Bush. He has small banana. And he is big chicken.

Arabic: Yemen wagawsfs awfawgfwg wafwarere

Arabic: Yes, Yemen is good country.

Somehow, his smiling stash and child-like giddiness removed the need for small talk. But eventually we would have to do something. Help had arrived. On a quiet sidestreet, scattered with 400 year old ornate adobe brick homes and newer cinderblock replicas, two lanky teenagers came out to greet us. The sons. One knew slightly more English then my Arabic. They both inherited Dad's smile, and had entered phase one of Papa's Stash growth. In further emulation of Daddy's duty to protect, one boy had just become a police officer while the other had entered the military. In America, an afternoon with some flag waving gun swingin' Billy Graham listenin' cop family would be a mental prison sentence, but somehow this family of never ending smiles didn't seem so dull.

Soon, the universal sign for eating, gesticulated by the double-teaming of the thumb by sisters 1 & 2, was being motioned by Tariq. There is no culture in the World that eats in such a manner, but divine intervention has allowed mankind to share in the earth's rewards with whomever shall cross his path. Makes sense. If a fork using individual offered a chopstick user a mimicry of his fork eating ways, the chopstick user may be offended by the presumptuous offer to get his pecker sucked even if it was flatteringly insinuated to be quite large.

Lunch is the most popular meal of the day. So popular, that many work places close down for the afternoon, and streets are deserted. Maybe I would finally meet the mysterious Yemeni women, allegedly living free and happy in their family cloisters.
There was a mother and some sisters. It was a start.

Upon entering the 3rd floor apartment, we immediately went to the living room. A giant couch with it's base cut off welcomed us. We all took places on the rectangular shaped floor cushion ensemble with matching backs. A giant framed photo collage of the 6 brothers and sisters sat on one bookshelf. Light struggling through the stained glass arches illuminated another picture. The man looked very familiar. Like an Uncle. Who was that? No way.

Arabic/English: {pointing} Saddam. Saddam Hussein.

Arabic: {smiling stronger then ever} Yes. Saddam great man. Now Iraq many problems. Shia crazy people. Saddam asggwfwf (makes choking sign) Shia. America. Bush. Very bad. Qwfaswrvasf

A fine example of cultural bias and selected media bias. No different then American views toward most international affairs. In the American psyche, Saddam ranks a solid third behind Satan and Hitler. Although, both Osama B. and Ayatollah Anybody are gaining ground. Followed by their cousins Bush and Cheney. In a country dominated by Sunni Muslims, many Yemenis see Saddam as a martyr. They admire his toughness and emulate his thick Stash. They blame the Shia's as much as they do Bush for the ongoing problems. And when prompted about his abuses of power, they like to site the current state of chaos as tangible proof that Saddam's stranglehold policies were necessary to maintain peace in that country. Regardless, hanging out in a room full of strange Arab men presided over by Sir Saddam was only slightly less odd then walking down a street holding the hand of a unknown police officer.

We were like a bunch of little kids playing Operation for the first time, giggling at everything that happened. Horn honks in the street. Laugh. Stand up to stretch. Laugh. Fireworks. Laugh. I like Yemen. Laugh.

A large spiraled notebook was thrown on my lap. An impressive piece of photocopying.
The pages were primarily in Arabic, with occasional black & white photographs depicting American looking cops doing something indiscernible. I take back my Xeroxing compliments. Then, after several pages, a few English words appeared. Words I had seen before: Heroin. Cocaine. Marijuana. Metha-amphetamine. And the always underappreciated, "Barbituates." Great. I was holding the Arabic instructions to apprehend terror organizations who smuggle drugs. Pretty trusting family. Funny, there was nothing about Qat, the legal green leafed drug that bewitches the nation every afternoon with her mildly narcotic properties that bring about stimulation while somehow managing to induce relaxation. It's very UnAmerican as it is normally consumed one leaf at a time, over hours with groups of friends. Time is money people. We got work to do. Why don't you grind that stuff up and make some new high potency Yemeni Coke. Our people will take some of that.

Whoa. Turns out Magnum Tariq is no ordinary cop. He was the head of Yemen's DEA. Or vice-deputy assistant. There was a time in my life where I would have excused myself to the bathroom and disappeared forever, climbing down a broken trellis and running down alleys until nightfall had secured my escape. But now, being drug free, alcohol free, and sex free, I was practically an honorary Muslim. Was this a trap? Yeah, invite the long hair hippie freak into your home. Plant a few grams of coke in his pocket, then arrest him when he leaves. Make him watch Midnight Express. Remind him that Turkey is a Liberal Muslim nation. Then give him the choice of death in prison or a $100,000 bribe. Fuckin' Pigs. There all the same. Actually, callin' a cop a Swine in Mohammed land should be even more offensive. But there was no need to name call, his sons were merely proud of their drug bustin' Pops and wanted me to admire his documents.

Arabic/English: You steal some drugs. And sell to make money.

Son translates {laughing}: No, no, he says he doesn't do that. It's forbidden in Islam.

English: Hey, Mohammed doesn't want you to starve. Just a little extra.

Son translating: Bad. He can not due that.

English: Ok. Does he take some hashish to use. The stuff from North Africa is the best. Maybe we could do some today.

Son: No, really, he is not using this thing.

English: Shit.

Son: What is shit?

English: Nothing.

English: How about the Qat, does he use that?

Arabic: Yes, I use. Qat is good for you. Not illegal. Not drug. Not forbidden in Quran.

English: Qat is a drug. All those people lining up in streets are addicts.

Soldier Son in English: No. It is not a drug. It is good for you.

Ahhh. No different then American cops on alcohol. After all, if it's legal, surely it can't be a drug. I don't think too many lives have been ruined by alcohol. The government would never allow a dangerous substance to be legalized.

English: American Government pays money Yemen.

Arabic: Yes.

Wherever one goes in the world, the Invisible Hand of the DEA is never too far behind. On the surface, sounds great, ridding the world of harmful substances. Except, when one chooses to discover the reality of the American led War on Drugs, it has only bolstered corrupt governments and kept prices artificially high to support a variety of gang, terror, and other subterfuge activity around the globe. Modern times have proven the impossibility of stopping poor farmers from cultivating illegal drugs. The amount of money America spends, and spends fruitlessly, since Americans consume the greatest amount of Planet Earth's banned dope, and those consumption rates have changed little over the years, and, well, if you took the tens of billions of dollars feeding this program and re-directed it, the entire World could have access to clean drinking water and millions of lives saved, or America could throw a really big Hajj party in downtown Mecca where it introduced Muslim Pilgrims to the joy of Drink and Pulled Pork. Ahhh, pulled pork. Those sweet succulent shaved pieces of the Other White Meat drenched in a warm blanket of home-stewed barbeque. There would be none of that today. Does make one wonder, what gets a longer jail time here, 2 kilos of Afghanistan's finest, or 2 kilos of Carolina's finest?

More diversions. Good. You've got to love strangers who know how to keep the entertainment going when vocal conversation is not really an option. Time to play dress-up the Infidel. That's right, not only were we the kind of male friends who held hands and swung our interlocked digits merrily down the road, but we were now going to try on some clothes. Lack of underwear would not be an issue today. Cool. I got to wear a neck to ankle polyester tunic. Or was it sateen? Is sateen polyester, or is it satin's pleather? The giggles were growing. Oh yeah. Time for my very own dagger. The traditional dagger is known as a jembia, measures 12-16 inches in length, and is hooked to ensure a proper death after stabbing. It's been worn by Yemeni males for over 3000 years. It's also the sole reason Metal Detector companies are unable to penetrate the local markets. You sure you want to outfit a real live Infidel with such a weapon. The 4 inch wide, green embroidered belt securing the mini-sword showcased my hips real nice. Wait. Dad, give him your turban. There we were, an Infidel and his captors, all daggered up, amongst the cushions and our leader. Yes, our leader. We'll need photos with our Hero. Twenty-five minutes later, the giggles didn't stop as we finished our first photo shoot for INFIDEL TODAY. A variety of poses were modeled, but the editors chose the quaint family shot, where the hosting men all pointed their weaponry at the Infidel, standing attentively under the watchful eyes of their American Slain Sunni Hero.

Lunch. And I get to eat with the Dagger. Right on. Maybe they'll present some really tough meat, and I'll be forced to unsheathe the curved blade and showcase my mean cutlery skills. Oh. I can't do that. Ok. Sorry. Just don't blow me up. That's all I ask. Families have a tough time identifying body fragments. And mine is particularly scared of flying to this part of the world. Thanks.

Home cooked meals, regardless of national origin, always have that something special, that flavor mojo. I'm prone to credit the love and care a homebound chef puts into the chow, but that doesn't explain why the occasional frozen pizza at a bar tastes so good. Ah, yes, yes. Alcohol. Well, that's not an option here. I think invited guests are also less judgmental, as they would probably be upset if someone passed off their neighbor's chicken ala king onto a 14.95 tab. But when you get to hang out in someone else's home, do nothing, pay nothing, and be served like royalty, you neglect the flaws, and ask for seconds.

Stacks of misshapen Indian Naan-like bread arrived from a mysterious kitchen source. Allegedly, the mother and daughter were in the kitchen, but God's dictum kept them stove-top incarcerated while the men were able to luxuriate for a lazy afternoon. Each time I would go to the bathroom, I was instructed to Never go Left. Naturally, I eventually went left which was met with uproarious shouts from the men, and before I could see a glimmer of the female flesh, I was re-directed to the porcelain hole in the ground.

The four daggered musketeers sat in a circle around our single cast iron cauldron of a northern Yemeni specialty consisting of a soupy tomato base laden with white cheese, spices, and mildly spicy peppers, interspersed generously with chunks of fresh tuna. Sometimes in synch, we'd all stick our ripped chunks of bread into the abyss where we would return for air moments later, full of more giggles as no chin went unscathed from the runny sauce. We were like six year olds playing in the mud. And these were the people entrusted to protect the country. Can a statement be made about the cultures who enjoy sharing dishes versus the cultures who prefer to have their own personal plates? Ok, the latter definitely have a higher gauge of silverware. Perhaps a lack of choices in poorer countries never gave them persnickety food tastes, since not liking a dish meant you went hungry. Although food sharing cultures always seem less selfish in general. Its in those places you are more likely to find people to go out of their way for you. Although the personal platers may be more likely to share their spouses. The debate continues…

Towards the end of the Midday meal, words were finally exchanged:
Junior cop: Spicy.

Infidel: Yes, Spicy.

Junior military: Too spicy?

Infidel: No. I like spicy.

Senior cop: Spicy. It is spicy.

Infidel: Yes. Spicy. Good.

Junior Cop: Good. Yes.

Infidel: Good.

Senior cop: Bush. Crazy. Saddam. Good.

Infidel: Yes. Spicy.

Ah hah. That's why the streets were empty every afternoon. Large meals are necessary for the marathon QAT chewing sessions that follow. The law enforcers seemed very excited to share their prized mild narcotic with the Infidel. And here, unlike in food times, the Qat leaves are not shared, as each person is responsible for having their own bag of leaves. Very un-marijuana like, and quite typical of the narcotic world. Hey, Send the narcotics over to the personal platers and start burning the hashish like your North African cousins.

A small argument broke out over who would provide the visitor with leaves, as it was considered bad manners for him to purchase anything while under their care. A fairly universal trait among both Yemenis and Arabs, as their hospitality traditions are unmatched anywhere in the world. Along with their unique attire for women, they now currently hold two number one rankings. Magnum Tariq and Junior Cop agreed to share leaves throughout the afternoon, but sent Junior soldier to the local market to get his own stash. Every neighborhood has a row of tabletop stalls, where a daily bag fetches between $2.50 and 25 bucks. Immediately following lunch time, the crowds can be so immense, that an Alabama outsider would think a Revival was taking place, only to be disillusioned when hundreds of men came pouring back into the streets failing to sing the praises of Jesus, and remain fixated on their plastic bag of afternoon stimulant.

A couple of neighbors and a brother-in-law, oblivious to his sister's banishment, joined the other four spread out along the floor cushions. But being a recreational activity of relaxation, no one sits upright, and instead gets possession of one stiff rectangular upholstered foam cushion and rests his elbow on such while the legs splay out below with one upright knee providing rest for the other arm. This behavior seemed indicative of food sharers. Personal Platers would never behave in such a barbarically bohemian manner.

Our new arrivals weren't adding any English to the fray. No problem. Dad had the solution. Like Dads the world over, he held within his dagger holster, the Remote Control, man's last bastion in the global war of the sexes. Well, really that would be the patriarch's last bastion, as a youth most always cede control rights to the most senior, who, may, at his own personal discretion, decline such offer, in which said control would pass chronologically down until the potato lost it's heat. Magnum doesn't pass.

What do a group of narcotic leaf chomping dagger donning Yemenis watch? Music videos. Cartoons. Santa Claus bearded fanatics chanting death threats to the Infidel. The Stock Market. Springer.

Someone was speaking. The words sounded almost like English.

Arnold.

Van Dammy.

Sta-loan.

James Bond.

Arnold.

Rock.

Jackie Chan. Van Dam.

There would be no Sundance Channel today. Men. We are bonded by violence. Denying such would only get me sent into a corner, where my precious leaves would be confiscated and an Arabian sign would be hung from my neck saying, "Pussy. Halal."
Don't say no. It's "Yes, and.."

I stood up and made my best effort at a muscle head imitating a grown monkey.

Hulk Hogan. You like.

The next five minutes were a cacophony of various wrestling names, some even leading to arguments as one party would claim their previously yelled name had more weight over the last. Having not seen a wrestling match since 1983, I would occasionally shout "yes" or give the random thumbs down, just to get an argument going. I even threw out "The Iron Sheik" once, but someone must have told the Arabs he was just some unemployed truck driver from Pittsburgh wearing a ripped tablecloth from a cheap Italian restaurant cause he got no reactions. American marketed violence clearly has some biological grounding. Maybe those who criticize American film for promoting aggressive behavior will finally understand that the makers of films such as, "Death to your Mutha" and "Kill 'Em All, Parts I thru VII", are only evangelizing what mother nature has embedded into the genes of all male humanity. I don't hear too many women complaining about the TLC channel or movies centered around a group of women who have a falling out and spend the entire movie crying and complaining only to become friends in the end. Just as pathetic, but biological, so back off.

The bitterness of the leaves was fading, and additional leaves found their way into the Infidel's waiting mouth as various members would continue to donate handfuls, wanting their guest to realize the benefit of a centuries old tradition. No action movies on in the afternoon. I'd have to wait until the evening when the good flicks come on. We were settling for "World's Greatest Police Chases" hosted by that self-righteous guy with the distinct voice who failed his police officer's exam, the one from America's Most Wanted.

And here we see television's great breakthrough. It's why parents know longer need to supervise their children. The Almighty Entertainer. The ultimate mediator of disparate languages. Through her actions, words were no longer necessary. Uncomfort levels dissipated. Grunts of shock and others of exhilaration filled the room, reminding the sequestered women to the LEFT of the benefits still available from a forced separation of sexes. An 18 wheeler Sprite delivery truck was being chased down the interstate at high speeds. Being that even four wheels are still a novelty here, this was a bit futuristic for the crowd, but even local law enforcement seemed on the side of the wheeled behemoth. The truck eventually jackknifed sending Sprite bottles all over the street which prompted Junior Soldier, the lone occupant of limited English, to ask, "The Sprite. It is free now for the people or police drink all?"

Soon after, while being chased on foot, the renegade driver was cornered, he had climbed up into a tree thinking nobody would see him. The crowed enjoyed that. More leaves for everyone. On me. The offender was classic White Trash, with a text book mullet, crystal meth sculpted body, ripped wife beater tee, and wiry mustache. I tried to inquire about Yemeni Trash but to no avail. It was best to let the television handle the conversation.

Next up, a dashboard patrol camera catches a drunk driver assault a police officer, and then run away, only to be captured by a passing pizza delivery guy. All eyes were on me. I guess sometimes Miss teevee can cause some confusion. Typical woman behavior. How do you explain to a culture that lacks pizza, food delivery drivers, and drunks what just happened. They understood my re-creation of a drunk, which even included the classic drunken male white trash slur, "Yooou fuckiiiing bi-itch" but the pizza delivery charades only resulted in a room full of silent dilated pupils and expanding cheek reservoirs of crushed leaf.

Ah yeah. The crowd liked this. Highway cameras catching car wrecks. Everybody likes a good smash-up. A Mercedes that rolled over for 100 yards, and ended up in a ball of flames got the family screaming for more. The 12 car pile-up produced enough laughter to get through a couple of lame snow skid-outs. The brothers re-enacted the car driving scenes while slouching in their Qat chewing positions. Papa Cop displayed that bittersweet expression of pride and embarrassment that fathers are prone to do when sons acts like boys and fathers are confused over who they should be acting like.

An extended period of silence led to some temporary channel surfing. A episode of Doctor Phil led the minion to their American emissary. Hmmm. How to explain. I mimicked a person without a dick and then pointed to the kitchen which brought about enough laughter to continue the surf. Watching little television only re-enforces how scary your popular culture is when you're forced to view it from afar. It was hard to figure out if they were avoiding the Arab channels to appease me or they simply preferred American television, which kinda upset me cause guys like Bin Laden are pissed at this invading Western culture which most likely means he's pissed that he can't get any quality programming on Arab television. Most programs look like they were shot in the late 70's despite being new releases.

Yes. War movies. The audience was engrossed. A late 50's American movie about the lead up to Pearl Harbor had the father waiting to give commentary at every possible moment. When it looked like Radar officials were ignoring warnings that the Japanese would attack, Dad was quick to point a finger.

Papa Cop: American government bad. Liars.

Infidel: Yes. I agree.

Papa Cop: Bush, bad.

Infidel: Saddam, good.

Dad and I were buddies now. The movie, which apparently was some classic I never saw but my grandfather would have memorized, was depicting the military cover-up to get the U.S. involved in WWII. Each sign of malfeasance just got Dad to turn his head and look at me:

Bush, bad. Saddam, good.

The other half of the movie portrayed the Japanese and their military build-up to the Pearl Harbor attack, but the movie's attempt at realism left the Japanese portion subtitled. But some inconsiderate Arab distributor swapped the English subtitles for Arabic. Now, everytime the Japanese made some controversial comment, Dad would look at me for recognition failing to realize that I had no comprehension of the Nippon tongue. His bushy browed eyes kept saying, "Roosevelt Bad. Hirohito Good." When the attack finally began, all commentary was halted. Even the consistent swish of Qat leaves between the teeth cheek had subsided. Airplanes. Machine Guns. Torpedoes. Bombs. Man's true Bible. The Book of Bombs. Ricocheted grunts of pain and awe swept the room until the Japanese finally flew away. Looks of pity descended on me. What. It's ok. It was over 60 years ago, and we got the run of the World after that, so maybe those conspirators knew what they were doing. Plus we got all those cool Rosie the Riveter posters and a chunk of Okinawa where our soldiers occasionally give payback to the local village girls. No matter. These narcotic leaf chomping Yemenis were waiting for me to give the battle cry. It was like they needed to hear my outrage so they could express their own. These guys were seriously ready to go and fight with me. Their warrior culture had been re-ignited. I took down phone numbers and told the room they'd get a call when I needed them.

With the channel surf on hiatus, intermission took place. No belly dancers. No jihad laced sermon. No wardrobe malfunctions. Nobody really moved. The Qat chomping had really set in. An intense focus style high wedded this sedentary desire to kick back further on the floor cushions and chain smoke cigarettes. Something about nicotine and narcotics. It becomes candy for the lungs. But then Dad threw Junior Soldier a Glock style pistol. Junior examined the gun. He was sitting to my right, no longer in The Leaf chewing slouch. He got up, stood in the middle of the sunlit room and cocked the gun. A few nights before, a police Sergeant with a baseball size cheek full of crushed green leaves, almost killed me when he grabbed a machine gun off his desk and chased a low ranking officer into the hallway where the low ranker decided to stand right in front of me so the jacked up Serge ended up waving the loaded machine gun in my face. Like a schoolyard fight, the other deputies broke it up before the Gringo was gunned down. Now, again, after such a pleasant afternoon, my life was being threatened. No wonder they brought me back here. Bush. Saddam. He'd probably been waiting years to find some random single American in the street. Now I was going to die for the sins of my government. Would I make CNN? All those last minute death thoughts hit you like who you'd invite to the funeral, or will I get buried here or in the States, at which I thought a grave in a place like Yemen could make my tomb a pilgrimage site. How cool to have pilgrims come visit you and credit you with all their good fortune. Maybe there would even be those little street urchins who sell postcards and overpriced cokes. Where you off to this vacation. I'm going to visit Enrico's tomb. Man, that place has become such a tourist trap. If you ask around, somebody will show you where he was shot, and if you go at the exact time he was gunned down, you supposedly can hear faint screams of, 'Bush Bad. Saddam Good.'

Meanwhile, Junior was still brandishing the gun. At this point, I grabbed onto the ivory dagger handle jutting out of my belt. This would be my Flight 93. I would go down fighting. Maybe the drugs would affect his shot. But they picked the wrong Infidel to mess with. As Junior aimed the gun at various targets in the room, none of which included the framed Saddam posters, I kung fu gripped the waiting blade. How was I going to do this? I'd never knifed anything larger then a stick of wood to roast marshmallows, which, invariably, I always burn, failing to get that perfect golden brown singe. Fuck, I'm gonna blow this. I'll yank out the jembia, and charge the son. I'll trip over the lunchtray, landing my fatal blow into the opposing floor cushion. The other Qat chompers will come over a give me a ceremonial swipe with their blade. Incapacitated, high on a leaf so bitter that a starving donkey wouldn't eat it, the smell of cheap upholstered cushions burning my marshmallow further, Junior Soldier and Senior Serge would stand on either side of me. As the son pointed the Glock at the blasphemous mind of a soon to be forgotten Infidel, Dad would start chanting words of praise for his hero, initiating my descent into a burning pile of guck, with only a whittled stick of bones remaining for the embassy to send home. Shit. If they sent me home, there could be no tomb. No postcards. Need a new plan.

The main man, Magum Tariq, was practically in my lap, sprawled out along the cushions, indulging in his son's warrior antics. In fear, I had straightened into a Buddha, albeit one who can't quite get the feet to rest upon the thighs. But there would be no infinite compassion here. I figured instead of lunging across the room, it would be easier to headlock Dad with my dagger, convince Junior to drop the gun, and then maybe we could all just forget this happened and go back to our mild narcotics.

As my contemplations continued, Dad saw the look of fear on his adopted friend's face. Clearly, I was not displaying the fierce Arnold vibe I had intended. Without saying a word to me, he demanded Junior remove the clip, and put the gun on a high shelf. Just like that. No martyr. No tomb. No Jessica Lynch rescue. Good thing the family and I didn't drop a sheet of acid, or the paranoid hallucinations would have surely led to somebody's death. There is a Yemeni tradition, practiced until this very day, that mandates any stranger taken into your watch, whether in a restaurant or home, is your responsibility until that person shall leave. You are expected to feed them, shelter them, and protect them. A particularly useful custom to remember if one should ever find himself homeless in Yemen. I guess my fears were all for naught. Great word, by the way, naught. We use it so seldom in the American lexicon. Must be its close resemblance to the puritan demon, naughty.

If Big Tobacco needed an advertisement to show the benefits of smoking, this near death experience would suffice. Cheap cigarettes for everyone. The lighter made its way around the horn, promising to sully the flavor of each inhaler's sperm. But for an unmarried male in Arabia, where your only hope at flavor commentary is marriage, sully away.

The second half began with some camel races. Very stereotypical. Except there were no jockeys. And no black people in the sand. About 20 camels ran a straight line through the desert followed by a gawking parade of LandCruisers and RangeRovers. I asked about placing a bet, incorporating the universal sign for money, a quick rub of the thumb and index finger, which, when placed away from the mouth somehow means money. I married this gesture with a back and forth finger point to indicate my desire to bet the father, who just saved my life. NO. Not only does the Koran forbid alcohol, but gambling isn't allowed. Nor can banks charge interest for loans. No wonder the Muslims hate the Jews.

News. When you can't bet on the races, and you've got no programs with blood, bombs, or boobs, then the Male goes right to the News. Maybe it's some innate male desire to manipulate already manipulated information to further their own self-importance in later social events, where his completely irrelevant and factless 5 minute harangue on world affairs will leave his fellow companions in a state of imagined admiration for yet another false prophet.

News is News. Without language, its probably not much different. Just a bunch of self-important, sleekly dressed politicos talking about some novel way to further bilk the resources of the people. Probably better to not hear it. The sons kept budging their Procreator to change the channel. Boys don't watch the News. But they will. Obstinate, and father-like, Tariq only turned up the volume. Nice to see that even drug leaf chewing fathers in unknown lands behave the same as their Western counterparts. Forgetting that his entrusted guest couldn't decipher Arabic from Assanine, the channel turned to the Arabian Fox News, Al-Jazeera. In English. Now they didn't understand a word, but nobody seemed to care. Was it the Qat or was this genuine Yemeni tradition, putting on television channels only you're guest can understand? Anyway, their News was littered with the deaths of seemingly innocent Palestinian and Iraqi civilians. That was the majority of world news. Problems in Asia, or sub-saharan Africa were irrelevant. Most irksome was the naming of all Palestinian deaths as 'martyred' and those of Iraqi's as simply 'killed.' Whether those killed were actual combatants or bystanders, a distinction was never made. Hmmm….I don't suppose this could be helping to fuel the latent hatred most Muslims already have against Jews. It's bad enough that the Koran is covered in references to killing those who do not believe, and saving many a bad word for a Jew. But since the Israeli defeat of the 'Arab world' in 1967, Mohammed's teachings are no longer forgotten words in a selectively compassionate text. So every mention of an alleged Jewish crime, in self-defense of not, managed to turn relatively loving people, over a billion of them, most from countries with issues far great then those of Palestine/Israel, into one seething mass of hatred, coupled with a general reluctance of those with clout, to openly condemn terrorist actions. Don't you see Infidel, these are our Holy Warriors that our Prophet promised for protection?

With Saddam dead, Dad was pretty much hopeless on the Iraqi cause. Yet, he managed to find some News event worthy of commentary. Live from Karbala. The great Holy Site for Shia's. Dad sat up from the Qat/heroin user slouch. The only words I understood were, "Shia….Crazy, …Shia….Bad." And then he would point to the screen and make a chokehold, indicating that because of Saddam they had no ability to cause trouble, insinuating the entire issue with Iraq is due strictly to Shia terror activity. The room seconded his opinion. The sons began to imitate the self-flagellation ritual the Shia men do during the ceremony where they literally bludgeon themselves until they are covered in blood. The family was emphatic that this was not the religion of Allah, and that the entire Shia sect should be left to die. Just more proof of the positive aspects of organized religion. Me…I learned another thing I could do to stay on the good side of Father. During a lull, or some other moment in need of laughter, I would simply stand up and start beating myself, gaining the smiles of all, and further chants of "Shia. Crazy people. Saddam Good." A foster family was finally born.

The bags of leaves were emptying dutifully into waiting cheeks. Expanding slowly in the fading light, but unfortunately, not too powerful, narcotic buzz. What would we do when the leaves ran out? The brother-in-law had already finished, and only a ball of BubbleYum spin cycles remained in his left cheek as his dilated pupils refused to leave the television.

It was Conversion Time. The satellite company dedicates one channel to showing the English speaking residents the joys of Islam. They have a long way to go if they want to catch American Christian cable. Islam does not actively convert in the way their rabid Christian brothers do. But knowing that the only way English Speakers, raised in a Christian world, can be brought to a Higher Power is through the Sales Pitch, local marketers had no other choice. And of all the people to lead today's discussion, but some drop-out American tele-evangelist in Santa's beard and JoMuslim's skullcap. If you wanted me to sign my Islam papers, this was not the way to do it. Kareem-Abdul Jabbar, Mohammed Ali, whatever name Cat Stevens now uses. These guys, and maybe you'd have a chance. A hook shot, an upper cut, and catchy songwriting could all ensure a prosperous future for a single male. Some ex hand-on-head healing preacher who decided to take one version of the Old Testaments misinterpretations and now preach another version was only going to appeal to a nation of Qat stoners who forgot to turn the channel. I did enjoy the one accidental camera shot of the crowd. Normally, as in a normal U.S. televised sermon, the audience is often standing, in rapt attention, possessed by their messenger of the Lord Above. In this case, a group of distinctly Arab men was shown completely ignoring the Immigrant Prophet, and just laughing amongst each other. Probably about how much money the Producer's paid them to make Ol' Christmas Spirit look legit. More Arabs. We need more Arabs in the audience, or we'll never get those crucial Ex-Pat conversions.

Perhaps a sign of fading interest is when an Arab channel is showing an American program dubbed into French. It may have been that show 'Lost' I hear so much about. Not sure, but being that a group of people that looked way too good to be stuck in the Jungle and complained all the time, this must have been the show. So, nobody understood anything. Dad was done with his Qat. He looked over at me and gave this big smile. Not creepy. Not insinuative. A genuine smile. This man was so happy to have me in his house. Hyperbole aside, I was honored. He wanted me to eat dinner. But the affects of Qat include appetite suppression resulting in really lean male bodies. Yeah. We agreed to wait until Hunger growled.

Meanwhile, Dad was about to get 'couped' from the armed sons. Everyone respects a Father's Universal Right To Remote until he leaves the audience on some lame looking American program that nobody can understand. The boys put on music videos. Dad didn't approve which led to a heckling session in which I think the boys accused Father of liking Shakira. Too much. Maybe they were right. Tariq actually blushed and turned his head from the television. I put my hand on his shoulder, and simply said in ArabicEnglish, "Bush Bad, Saddam Good. Shakira Better."

Junior Cop had taken control of the remote, and selected a horror movie complete with ghoulish looking people taking over a rural community. Each shot of a Ghoul brought 'yucks' and 'ucchs' from the now Qat-less audience. The channel was quickly changed. The other brother, who knew a bit of English, turned to face me, and simply said, "Satan." A lifetime in the arms of Islam had taught them that all non-human looking humans were clearly the work of the devil. Finally, Hollywood's Satanic nature explains the hatred bestowed upon it by the cave dwelling Beardies.

Another cast iron cauldron of tasty mush was delivered by the faceless Kitchen. With moderate hunger beating away the narcotics, the family gathered around the pot to begin the bread dipping ritual. I ate slowly, impeded by my conscious Amazement at how easy it was to build a genuine connection with very few words. This family of strangers had truly made me feel I had a home in Yemen, forever. In the eyes, and in the smiles, you could feel nothing but love. Strange. Normal. Whatever? It was there. Through televisions, and the abolition of personal platers, Peace would be attained.

Dad refused to let me walk back home alone. No matter that I had spent my entire tour of duty in Yemen wandering the streets at night. I expressed my joy for walking, and that I'd rather walk the 40 minutes back to my GuestHouse then take a taxi. No problem. Dad insisted he walk with me. I gave back my temporary Yemen residency. The family pressured me to keep the clothes but I couldn't. Who knew when another Infidel would wander astray into that abode of childish joy. The sons and I kissed goodbye, traded emails, and laughed at Dad for his latent Shakira love. The other audience members, a neighbor and a relative, offered phone numbers should I ever need any help while in Yemen. Uh…can you let me see the hair of Just One woman?

The almost Head of the Yemen DEA and the ex-Infidel held hands and walked with smiles through the still crowded streets of Sanaa. Friends of the Drug Czar stopped to greet us. A Salaam for him. A Salaam alaykum for that guy. And so it went. I don't think we spoke a word to each other, but it was the most comfortable silence I've felt in awhile. 3 miles of hand-holding and acquaintance greetings. Hey, did you see Tariq with that Jesus lookin' guy. He's one of our prophets, right? Man, they make a good couple.

We made it through the gates of the old city, but Dad insisted on walking me to my door. Good first date, this guy. People have been living here for over three thousand years, and it feels like it. Every stone you walk on, every wall of mud or plaster, every stained piece of glass. They all leave you in a state of awe, and perhaps, in recognition, that you're treading on ground where people have lived in relative peace for longer then the existence of the world's most popular religions.

It was a bit sad. This angel of friendliness was leaving. I knew I'd probably never see him again, like most of the angels one can encounter on a journey. But his memory wouldn't fade. Qat or no Qat, this guy was Yemen. We exchanged cheek kisses, and one of those giant man hugs. As he turned to disappear into the city that's outlasted all others, I said to him, "Bush.." and together, in a proud smile, we said, "Bad. Saddam. Good" I left out Shakira this time, and added, "Yemen. Better." He blew me a kiss goodbye, and carried his smile along the streets, and the land of a place waiting to share it's warmth with the Infidels of the World.

Can't a Tomato be a Vegetable and a Fruit?

In the Sultanate of Oman, a lightly populated Arabian desert nation hugging 700 miles of the Persian Gulf bordering Saudi Arabia, ruled by what is believed to be the only Gay Sultan (which is basically a flamboyantly gay name for a King) in the world, who at 60 years old has never taken a wife, and has been seen periodically with young men of various nationalities, and has a very well groomed graying beard, there lies a Land of incredibly gracious people, mostly without meticulously maintained gray beards…although, with certain women only revealing their eyes, this statement can not be confirmed…and throughout this land a conservative form of Islam is still practiced. Conservative Islam does not mean cruel, or unusual, or right wing, or anything other then the people of Oman are considered to practice a fairly accurate interpretation of the Koran.

The very word Islam, or that other religion Muslim, seems to bring Fear or Suspicion to the ears of most Westerners. Men with anti-gaySultan beards spewing fiery rhetoric against a heathened world of Capitalist Crusaders. Young lads strapping explosives to their falafel toned, rock hard abdomens, scouting out their next victim who will propel them into a world of Unbroken Hymens and Cherry Wine Spritzers. Streets overflowing with American hatred, burning flags and push-up bras. Basements full of women, veiled and chained to black & white televisions, frustrated by their inability to become the Desperate Housewives that they love so much. Islam is the COMMY of the new millennium.

This could not be true. Burning push-up bras? C'mon, those things are expensive. Intelligent, open-minded people can not, and try not to believe this seemingly partisan portrayal of the Islamic World. Most people are getting their news from thirty minutes of daily television, or 5 Headlines on a Webpage full of advertisements and really detailed horoscopes, unless you are a Libra, in which case you are suppose to be in the hospital, incapacitated due to sudden illness but expected to soon come into a large sum of money.
But does the 'NEWS' have time, or room to put out stories about the good, honest people of other lands, or even those at home? Would people really want to read a story titled, "Jordanian woman is appointed by Uncle to run operations for the Family Fig Factory"? Or one titled, "Algerian children play Football at the Beach, while Grandparents watch"?

Or, as Editor in Chief, responsible to an irascible owner who needs to make money to boost shareholder value and buy his third German built yacht, and therefore needs viewers/readers…do you put out this headline, "Iranian Woman gets Raped by Brother, Forced to have Child" or "Afghani Mulsim Preacher Threatens to Cut Testicles off of all Foreign Invaders"?

Humans have been drawn to Tragedy since, well, since a long long time ago. People don't continue to read Greek Classics and Shakespeare plays to learn about the normal life of families. If 10 good or 'regular' things happen to you during the day, and one negative thing happens, which is most likely to occupy your thoughts? And how about limited exposure creating inaccurate views…such as, for the American audience:

Most white Americans know few, if any Black Americans, and so therefore base their view of American blacks on their [Blacks: formerly known as African-Americans and shortened out of laziness and single syllable same letter count equality] disproportionate representation in the Media for violent crimes. Or..this route…Most Americans know few, if any, Muslims, or Arabs, and so base their view of an entire culture on the severely limited Media bits showing only the most heinous representation possible. So, can you blame people for their biases? To further prove this theory, go the other direction. American news is full of White people that Blow up Buildings, Shoot fellow classmates, Molest the neighbor's kids, Rape grandmothers, Defraud Millions, Eat Little Caesars Pizza, and so on. But being that most White people know plenty of other White people that don't partake in the aforementioned, White man generally considers other White man to be a decent person.

So, this open minded Honky came to the land of Islam, as near to its birthplace as a Honky is allowed, with the hope that all the Media rhetoric was typical ad selling rubbish. A previous trip to the Middle East, several years previous, had taught the Honky Infidel that Arabs were among the most hospitable Chickpea Chewing people on Earth. Almost ten years and a major World Changing Event later, could Islam really be shifting that much?

A young Omani, non-Armani wearing family would play host to the visiting Infidel for seven days. If some Dude playing Sultan in the Sky can create a planet in 7 days, why can't another Dude, just playing the Dude, learn about the current state of Islam in 7 days?

Amir, 32, and his wife Khadji, 30 had been married for 5 years. They had two daughters, ages 4 and 1. Amir was a government employed scientist, university educated in Ireland, who made annual research conference trips to Europe. Khadji stayed at home, and took care of the children, but had accompanied Amir for a year during his graduate work in Ireland. The couple were married through a traditional arranged marriage. The Groom's family chose the woman. The Groom had one encounter, face visible, where he could converse with the potential Bride. Speed Dating for Muslims. The future Bridezilla had the option of turning down the suitor. She had dismissed the previous Four. Neither one had ever touched a member of the opposite sex before marriage. Dirty Sanchezes were still only Mexicans who worked cheaply in inferior American restaurants. They were both active loving parents. They spoke English. They were witty. They were going to enlighten the Eager Honky to the joys of Earth's second most populated religion.

Amir, how did it all start? I mean, tell me about the family.

We grew up 150 kilometers from here, near to the coast. My grandfather was the last member of the family to travel the desert, working with the camels. After the discovery of Oil, the family moved. My father drove trucks for the military. There were nine of us children. Big, huh? Also, there were nine more.

Ah, so your folks got divorced, which must have been quite rare, and Dad still had the seed going strong.

No. Well, He had the seed you talk about. If you say what I think. But he married another woman while he is still married to my Mother. Which Islam permits. So, you can say, that there are 18 of us. He lived with my mother sometimes and the other woman sometime. They got to know each other and would even talk but they live in two different homes. I never happy with this and didn't like my father behaving this but is allowed in Islam if he support all the children. After four year he finally move in with the other woman, and many year later he divorce my mother. But as you say, his Seed would still grow more. I think I had a different brother or sister every year of my life.

Jesus…, uh, is it cool if I use that, its not religious or anything. But 18 kids. Do you know all of their names and do you guys pass on all your old clothes to the next youngest in the family?

I understand the 'Jesus' comment. Do not worry. You should know that Jesus is considered a prophet in Islam, so he is quite respected. Yes. I know all the family, and you will actually meet some of the ones from the other mother. All of us are close. Clothes…we don't wear clothes in this sense. If you notice, we all wear these (pointing to his robe). They are what you call a tunic, I think. It is one color and you put it over anything. And the woman are wearing an abeyah, which is the black covering you see. Inside the home they will wear different clothes, but I do not think we gave our clothes to the others. Sounds like a good idea though.

I guess starting a Second Hand clothing business here isn't going to get you too far. Your parents are religious, or not?

This is strange question here. Everybody follows the Koran. They all pray five time a day and go to Mosque and follow diet rules and such. So yes, my Father and Mother do this and are, what you can say, are Traditional.

Were you excited to get married and raise a family, and were you scared to be with a woman you didn't know too much?

I wasn't too scared because we speak once and I know I like her mind because it is strong and tough and yes, she is very pretty. But, only I want to get married for Sex. Really. It is only way I can have sex, and so this was what I think. 27 years and no sex. Many people here, is the same.

Once. Christ. You met one time, and knew it would be ok. We date for years and still can't figure it out. By the way, I'm pretty sure I saw some Chinese hooker place in town the other day, you could have got some experience like that. They'd probably stay on top and everything. Real easy. Chinese women are pretty dominant.

If you refer to the prostitute this was not an option. Yes, there are some man who take this, before marriage, and some more after, but most the men are religious, and this is strictly forbidden. You seem like a man who must like these Chinese women {Laughs..}.

How long did it take you to discover that there were more ways to have Sex then just you on top, or did you two figure out a different way from the start?

Um. It was ok. We learn together but there are some silly rule in Islam that make you clean before and right after sex and this is not so fun. Not romantic.

Anal? How about that?

I don't understand.

Have you found that Islam has helped keep you grounded and focused on raising a family and being a good person?

No. I can't say that is because of Islam. Actually, Enrico, I should tell you that I am not believing in Islam. And my wife is not either. We are actually against the religion.

What? But you're Muslims. Look at you and your clothes. And Khadji's head cover. And your family. What do you mean? You're playing, right?

No, we are what you call Atheists.

You've got to be kidding me. My sole intention on staying here was to learn about all the positive aspects of Islam on the family, on life, on society, and so forth. C'mon. Make the crap up. I don't want to hear negative stuff. That's all we get at home. Look. I know organized religion can be a serious brainwash, but I'm an urban heathen feigning spirituality in the name of the Infidel. You..Amir, you are a fine, intelligent, sensible Muslim man who wants to share the beauty of Islam with me. Yes.

You are funny. I can tell you things I use to believe but they are not true. And I do not want you writing these things because I do not have faith anymore.

Jesus Christ. I can say that now, right. Cause you're a non-believer. Really, Amir, I know we're just getting to know each other, but this is bullshit. Seriously. Its not easy to find a local English speaking family to spend time with and you are suppose to be my inside answer to the growing anti-Islam voice. Tell me you are joking. Really. Atheists from Oman. It's a bad joke already.

I do not joke. You speak to Khadji, and she will tell you the same. Look, you can be my friend, and I speak the truth. You seem like open kind of guy but trust me, Islam is built on lies.

You suck, you know that. You know what its like when kids find out Santa doesn't exist. Or when Jews find out that He wants nothing to do with them and if they want a Tree they gotta call it a Bush. You know what its like to find out a country you believe represents the future of mankind, a country that has taught you that it will promote the ideals of justice and freedom…you know what its like to find out that the people of that country re-elected a person with an intelligent quotient lower then a down syndromed Baboon. Its like the woman I wanted to marry telling me that she now only loves women, and I'll never be able to participate. Don't do this to me. I didn't come to a country most people have never heard of to hang out with a bunch of Atheists. I've got American cities full of you guys. On my block, you're nothing. Just another nihilist demon lover lookin' to score some contraband. But here, you're the harbinger of peace, of love, of understanding for the unknowing masses.

Listen to me. I not exactly sure what you are saying about Jewish Baboons and such, but I am somebody important for you, I think, for if you want information. I study Islam all my life. I was very serious about my studies and until age of 28 years old, I was praying five times a day, and following all the rules of the Koran, and I never think that the word of the Koran is not true. I live among only Muslim people and we are only doing things that are related to Islam. To this day, I can recite more then 30% of the Koran by the heart, and I understand the entire book, every page. If some person can give a reason not to believe in Koran, and really a religion, then I can be him. You will not find such a person so easy in a Muslim country. Ok. Maybe in your home. Fine. But these people only grow up with choice, and probably see these men on television sticking hand on people heads and making them walk again. This crazy. And many people have so many things they do that they don't even make time for a religion, so they forget it. But here, in Islam country, you only see Islam, you only know Islam, you only do Islam. There are no other examples and nobody supports another choice. You want to hear my story.

Fine. I can't change my ticket, so I might as well.

Look. I tell you that I am, I mean that I was serious Muslim. This is true. I never doubt until I really start to read into the sayings of the prophet, that are in the Hadith, the second most important thing after Koran, which are the collections of the Prophet Mohammed's speeches and other instructions.. I start to read some things he say, and I will tell you and I start to think that maybe something is up. Then I go on the internet.

Oh no. You dropped your belief in the Prophet and his great words cause you saw a pair of Double D's on Panama City Beach jigglin' in front of your..

Please. Enrico. You be quiet, ok. I want to tell you this story. So, I am on internet and start reading and I find that other people have same questions. Same concerns. And I get on a Chat Room..

Oh Yeah, of course you..

Maybe you are the Baboon. Please. Shut up. So I am talking with many people, most of them other Muslims, about the Prophet and the things he say and we are all asking questions. We are discovering that Islam claims to be original but that it is based from Judaism which is based on previous religions where there were more then one god. And that also they have woman gods, before. There is evidence of these religions which means that it makes the Koran false since it saying it {the words of the Koran} from God when really this is how it developed and used the idea of one God to control people, to scare them that if they did not behave or believe or follow orders that they would go to Hell. This is not fair to scare children with idea of place you will die a very bad death. I get Khadija to read it. She doesn't want to but I ask her. She can not believe it, but she keeps reading and starts to write her own questions. So every night now for almost five years we are discussing and chatting and reading. Really, I tell you, it also help our marriage. The internet save our lives. Yes, really.

Can I talk? Only to say, can you be more specific, like what exactly you had a problem with?

Do you know that Islam is suppose be religion of Peace but that Mohammed said, more then 100 times, to "Kill all non-believers…wherever you find them" or "Kill all non-believers…until they believe I am the messenger of God" What this really means is not that the Muslims are violent but that they not tolerate anybody differing in view from them. Especially here. That "Jews are the Greediest People alive and they should be killed." Or that we suppose to respect women and children but that he (Mo) married many wives after his first wife die and do you know about his last wife, her name Aisha, she was 6, and they say because he was not allowed to adopt, so he have to marry, which he did…to a 6 year old!!,well, he had sex with her when she was 9 and they soon after had a baby. Who does this thing? That this Man, Mohammed, that if a man and a woman have sex in private, but are not married, then Satan will be present with them and destroy them in the afterlife. He say this. Listen. Do not only think these problems are in Islam. Christianity have many problems and bad things too. And there are many strong laws in Bible that are worse then Islam. From stoning people for sex outside of marriage to also punishing non-believers, as well not to mention all the terrible things of the mission people and the crusades and others. But we are going only talk about Muslim, Ok.

Alright. Sounds like some typical religious bullshit. But most Muslims seem to be good people and they follow the Koran so what's the big deal?

What is deal. Listen to me. It is mind control. They make you pray five times day. Why you think this. No other religion have this. And you pray from the time you are child. And the child is a brainwash. They corrupt child so he can never question and have no freedom of mind, of open mind. Every day of your life. You don't know anything else.

It's like Americans being told they are the best and most free country in the World from the time they are kids and even have to keep their hands on their hearts to swear it is the best…

Ok. Maybe something like that. So, we are praying every day. Nobody can say anything against it. If you are not praying then you are in trouble because the family don't like. Even today, I am always making up excuses why I do not go to pray with my colleagues. Imagine how tough this is for somebody. They are brainwashing the people. When you are born, somebody reading Koran into your ears. From your first day alive. And the people, they do not know something else.

Is you're being a scientist anything to do with this conversion to the Atheist Faith?

Yes. I believe in Science. Science help the man to live more healthy. Science is good. But science ask for proof of theory. The proof is Koran no make sense. They say Sun go around Earth. They say man not that old and created from Adam so they don't believe I evolution which is proven. They talk about Noah and the boat and this impossible to have this flood at that time but animals still survive. Islam is against progress in Science, and if a God, if Allah is loving then he would not stop something that can help people.

And what about the amazing hospitality and kindness of Arab people?

This you speak of is true. I do not think bad of my people. But these things, you speak of helping others this belong to a time before Islam come here. The desert people, the Bedouin people, they living here long long time and in the desert you always help other people because you do not know when you will need to have their help. That is where this come from. Also, I tell you that people were good people doing good thing before Islam and people in other country I meet no believe in God but still good people so not true that person need the God to be kind.

Isn't Islam just a clever way to help people live a good life?

No. This not true. It is religion of hate. It have hate because it do not accept people with different view and promise to kill if you do not follow, so this is hate and hate is a very bad thing.

Ok. I follow everything you are saying. But I think you could be an exception or just a typical atheist who sees the bad in the world and says there is no god. I mean, Islam is the religion of peace.

I don't know how you think as a visitor you can know so much. I told you that I spend my entire life living as a muslim. This thing you say about 'Peace' is a big misunderstanding and wrong translation of the actual meaning of 'Islam.' It means "SURRENDER" This means that a person is suppose to, they have to surrender themselves to God. No choice. You have no choices ever. And do you know what is said in the Prophet speeches for those who should leave Islam…TO KILL THEM…You look surprise but everything I say is available on internet or by real translation of the Koran and speeches. There is even one man, an old Egyptian Imam, who was a very respected leader. He discovered shortly before he died that everything in the Koran and the speeches was complete hypocrisy. He was over 80 years old. He published his views but they are not permitted here and I do not think anybody has ever translated them to make public, but also available on the internet.

C'mon man. If you told your family you were a non-believer, they would just put you on the table, and cut you up. Would your meat be Halal, by the way?

Ha. No, because we are not suppose to eat people{Laughs}. Maybe they wouldn't kill me, but this has happened before. But what could happen and what would probably happen is that they would no longer talk to me. Nobody. And all the community would find out and this would be very uncomfortable. And working for the government, I could also lose my job. You must realize, this is a big part of the problem, is that when you think you may not believe, you must live in fear. So most people choose to not think about it and just believe.
Its like communism or something like this. Listen. You say brainwash earlier. Well, this is exactly what Islam does. Maybe all religion. But here, there are no choices like other countries, or people who believe or do not believe. The life is around Islam and if you do not agree you never can say anything to anyone. Imagine all your neighbors talking about you and looking at you and sometimes saying bad things to you..

Dude, I get that now. I live on a block full of militant Puerto Ricans. You just described them plus they don't work so they got even more time to talk about me.

Yes, ok but you can move to a different part of town. Yes. You can not do that here. You can not move to different part of town or different city or even neighboring country. We are prisoner to the system. Ok. If many people want to believe, fine. But when you see the lies, and the hypocrisy, this is makes very difficult. Maybe I put like this: Imagine you have a neighbor who is a murderer. And he a police man. You know he kills people but if you say something he will kill you. You know murder is the worst thing a person can do but it impossible to tell police because of his job. Imagine there is no way to tell anyone. And everyday you look at him knowing he is doing these bad things but you have to stay quiet. Maybe that is not exact. But it is the same as the communist system. Exactly. They even have those groups that watch over people. You can not live in communist system and not believe. If you do, it must be silent and no speak to anybody. And look what happens to those countries. Why do you think when somebody says something in the international news about Islam there are Imams, Clerics from different places that threaten to have them killed, which why you may know the word 'Fatwa' which isn't normally for this reason but they issue these which are like a formal opinion. The man in Holland made a controversial film against Islam and they killed. The Van Gogh guy. Yes. Or Salman Rushdie write a book that is making fun of Prophet and Gabriel and they try to kill him. Or the cartoon from Denmark making fun and that make such a big deal here. Also threats. There is no Ghandi, no Martin King, or no leader who speak up against Islam that is also Muslim. We don't have this. You can not have this. It is impossible to find anybody in Muslim country or any Muslim making big public statement against Islam. Why? Other religions have these Critic people. The only thing you know, all of the life is Islam, there is nothing else. They steal our minds. They stole my mind. Do you understand? I am respected scientist, but they stole first 28 years of my life. I spend all the time to think there is only one way. What Koran say must be true. All the things in life that happen outside of Koran I can not find. I am not allowed explore and such. It was a waste. I can not ever get this back.

Really, I'm sorry. But people now say that 30 is the new 20, so just like daylight savings, you can get a little back. Many urban dwellers of have much less oppressive stories about their early experiences with religion, and seeing the hypocrisy and deciding to get away from it. But it is much easier in the states because there are always regions full of non-religious people so there is never any real threat, unless you are a gay Christian living in a small town on your way to Christian De-Homosexualizing camp. Then you're screwed.

We have many Gays here. Really, we do. I told you about the Sultan, but many times I have had a man try ask me for sex. Of course, Islam forbid this but many people know it happen here. As scientist, I like to see studies, and I have seen some about this. Many studies say between 5 to 10% of the population is gay but they usually do these in Western countries. I see one from Arab countries where they estimate that 30% of the men are gay, and people predict many women are too, but I have not seen study. This also result of the strict rules. Look outside. Men always with men. You only see women together and not in public very much. It is forbidden for the two to be together unless married. So if the men spend their whole life with other men what do you think will happen? This is not result of genes as is normally case for Gays but is result of environment. I surprise no person try to ask you. Especially, men from Saudi, they having so many Gay people there.

To be honest, a few more weeks around these faceless Ninjas, and I may be forced into the welcoming embrace of the nearest Ali. Maybe I can use 'Saudi' as a nickname for closeted gay people now. But it will only work around here cause in the States that is only going to mean the person is a terrorist. And that's not really funny.

[Khadji, Amir's wife enters conversation] Mohammed was a Gay.

Amir: This is not for sure.

Khadji: He must have be a gay. Why he make us wear this prison clothes outside. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. He ruin everything. {tears come to her eyes}

I'm sorry. Its not cool. Im frustrated that a religion valuing beauty is shielding the most beautiful being on Earth from the eyes of all. But now that you are with us, I'm curious about your story and what happened with Islam in your life.

I think Amir tell you so many things, and I will agree because it must be from the same information that we read. My life was not same when I am girl. As child, I am playing all time with boys. My mother always yell me that I am dirty, and I am not a boy and I not to play with boys. But I like to play with boys more then girls. They are fun. But always they are saying to me, "Khadji, you must go inside. You are not to play with boys" But I keep doing it. Finally, I stop and only stay with girls. Then I go to the secondary school and I am talking with boys. Only talking. I want to make friend and I never understand why we no allow speak with boy. But everyday, yes, everyday, friend come to me and say, "Khadji, you can not speak with them. This is not allowed" And they tell me the same thing, they tell me on all the days. No. No. No. Finally, I stop. But it never feel right. Why I can not speak to them. Why I can not sit next to them? Why everything we do must be separate? Why I am taking care of home when Amir work but people say that I can not work with family. Yes, some women are working now, but people do not like when you have family. And the community here, and everywhere is so important and make you feel you do something, so I am not work. But I am smart, I have school before, and I should work.

You are talking to a man now. Do you feel like this is something wrong?

You are nice man Enrico. Like movie star. But if I talk like this with you outside, about anything, not about this, everybody will look and nobody will like.

I have heard that some people claim its better to be separate and to stay covered up, that you feel safe and private and can do things more easily since no none knows who you are.

This crazy. The men, they can stay outside, and drink tea and smoke and play with friends all night. But the women, No. Look outside, and you see no women having time there. Or you look at restaurant with separate area to eat like prison. And then you come to home and when my boy cousins are here we still stay in separate rooms. Never together. It is too many rules.

Are you scared that somebody will find out about your "Infidel-ity". Sorry. You know, that people will figure out what is happening.

Of course. Everyday. When I am with my family, I can not keep making excuses. They always say, "Khadj, it is time to pray, come". And if I don't go causes big problem. Amir family a little more open then mine. Some of his brothers know his view, not all, but some. But my family can not. I tell them not that I am not believe but that I have questions and I am not sure about Islam. They tell me, "Don't ask. Don't ask questions. You can not. Only believe. You must surrender to Allah. You can not ask." So alone in my home, I am free, but if I go to any place with anybody, then I must not talk about it, and must act that I believe.

But does Islam really come up that much, maybe you can just avoid people during the prayer time.

First, I tell you that reason it is 5 times day is to make it difficult to not pray. People will know. And Islam IS part of everything. When I see friends or family, they ask about what children are study in Koran school, and they say where are the children praying or why are they not praying and why am not wearing abeyah (full black ninja cover) and they ask about food for Islam event or they ask about something happening from Mosque. I tell you that something in life always relate to the Islam. Or maybe I only want to go somewhere at night, and they tell me that you can not go out alone because this is not allowed. It is crazy.

How about marriage? What was that like for you?

I don't know what Amir say but it is not a fun thing for woman. Very scary. Maybe the man he want the sex but for woman, I think "Who is this man. I have to spend life with him and he needs to see me naked. He permitted and expect to have sex." This is so scary you no understand. I turn down many men before Amir, but I am happy with him. He is good man. But we have so many problems. I never have a man before. And I never have boyfriend, as you say. I know nothing about the man, and my family did not let me speak with men, which is normal. Still, I no understand things he does. But it is so difficult because other woman tell me to listen to the man and this is how the things are and to have faith in Allah and everything will be perfect in next life as long as I am good wife and Muslim this life. Stupid. They are stupid people. Make me crazy.

Relationships aren't easy for most people. You can spend your adult life with different boyfriends or girlfriends and never really understand the other sex. Have you at least found your G-spot yet?

A What?

I hope that Amir is at least finding ways to make you feel good.

Amir: Ok. Ok. Stop. I am learning. I try. No more asking her this.

Hey Mr. Atheist, you don't believe in God and society rules anymore which means there are no rules, and she is a free woman. But, I am a guest, so ok. Khadji, what about the the men, how is that for others, even if Amir is a good guy. I think.

Yes, problem. Big problem. Yes, as say Amir is good man. But the man have control. The man make rule. The man is person who decide that this life stay like this. For man it is good life. The really make the Man get the respect and can always do more. Some speak of right for women but not true. When woman want more freedom, the man decide. And they use the Islam to give them reason. The Islam let them take the power. Maybe not say in Islam but they use it to say this. This religion give no freedom to do what I want.

How about the internet, what has that experience been like for you?

It has become my only friend. I promise you. I can not talk to other women anymore because I am so upset at Islam and these rules. But I come into here (2nd bedroom), and I can be free. I go onto internet, and I got to some chat room. They are other people speak in Arabic and from different countries. They all say that they can not speak to people near them but on the chat we are all friends and exchange story and find more information that is bad. Please, you must remember we spend all the life being told about Islam and rules and reasons and now we have to teach ourself about all the things that are false because they were controlling our mind. It is only way to be free. So, on internet I feel a new community. I make research on my own. I read many things. Amir, I am thankful to him for showing me this because at first only he share some ideas but when I read all the other people I know it is ok what I am thinking and I not some lady go crazy. The internet save my life now. And I hope one day we can move to a more free country.

American immigration is not exactly in love with Arabs right now. But I'd suggest Canada. They're real earnest, and basically they like taking our immigrant scraps. This kinda sucks, to be honest. I'm not feeling so great about the religion now, and I never expected this.

Amir: I want to tell you something else so you understand the problem here. Osama Bin Laden, the Taliban, maybe also Ayatollah. I respect these people. And you know why? Only I respect that they are practicing the truth. They are honest men. What they do is not what you want to call Extremist. They are following the real Koran. What they practice and speak about and make those videotapes is because of the actual things that Mohammed have say in his speeches. Islam is expecting a Judgement Day, like Christian people. But we are told that there will be many challenges that will try to corrupt us during the time before the Judgement so we must be strong and be with God and fight this. This thing is the West. That is why more problems. And these men and their systems are the way the Koran really is written. Word for word.

Alright, I think I need to get some ham sandwiches after all of that. You guys want bacon on yours?

The following days were not the same. Contempt filled me. When the Call to Prayer came roaring out the Mosque, I no longer heard an eloquent chant but rather the voice of the Warden lining up the Cons for Roll-Call. It took severe self-restrain to not rip up the Korans of students on the bus. I felt awful. And worse, was this weird paradox of a liberal mindset that didn't stop taunting me: wanting to learn and accept a Host Culture so desperately that I end up meeting the kind of people that the anti-immigration Minutemen freaks would cite as documented rationale for their myopic movement.

Slowly, I realized that most of the people I was encountering were genuinely good people, but I had to resort to the old adage of 'no sex, religion, or politics." Which, actually, shouldn't be so hard being that everyone who isn't married is a virgin, the married folk just seem to stick it in and be done with it, there are no politics since autocracy is the rule of thumb throughout the region, and everybody thinks the same about their religion. The only religion. Or they weren't going to speak up anyway. People always assume a white person is Christian. But, when you tell them you don't practice or believe in a religion, the reactions are pure shock.

I had to start accepting people on their surfaces and avoid the tenets that were driving their actions. I also had to find some women. If not to discuss issues with, just to look at. At this point, I was ready to accept those ladies that comprise the 'Before' pictures on weight loss posters found on abandoned storefront windows. A whole street of them would be ice cream on a hot summer day, right about now.

Leaving Oman for the neighboring country of Yemen seemed to yield an even more conservative Islam. Albeit, to the outsider, this is only visible via the amount of flesh a female can show. Go to Lebanon, and you may even see skirts. Oman had the occasional cheek and lip show. But Yemen, she only shows you the eyes. Even the brows are hibernating. Meanwhile, the men walked around town in full length skirts, or sarongs, and accompanied that with a hooked dagger that they kept tucked inside a garish belt. Then, they would spend the entire afternoon, leaning on one elbow, strewn about town like a Convention for Retired Drunks, and they would have Dizzy Gillespie cheeks full of Green mush. Yemen's version of the Coca leaf. Qat. They hold it in such esteem that they refuse to insert a 'U', which has prompted emergency meetings between the editors at Merriam-Webster and the Qat Growers Association of Yemen. No agreement has yet to be reached. All day, people just hang out and chew the stuff, continuing to stuff one leaf after the other until you thought the mouth would ejaculate a volcano of green yack. Nope. The pregnant cheek just kept growing. Didn't seem very Muslim-like, but I didn't care about that aspect anymore, so screw it, chew away fellas. The Prophet's just another chump.

Then I met Abdullah; the anti-Qat tech services wiz and part-time charter boat captain, residing on the central coast of Yemen. He spent 7 years living in Boston, another 9 in Dubai, spoke fluent English to the point of occasional slang, dressed in baseball cap and jeans, and married an African-American woman who converted to Islam with her mother at a very young age. He was a proud and knowledgeable Muslim who managed to keep a familiar Western style about him. For the next week, Abudllah would be my guide through the other side of Islam.

I hope you realize that I'm going to start writing down all of this stuff, and eventually publish it in the Jewish Journal.

Bro, you think that's funny, huh. Keep it up, cause I know a few guys who'd love to kidnap a white American guy, especially an ugly smart-ass like you. Man, you know the Jews and the Muslims were living together since the days of the Prophet with no problems. That shit is documented brother. All this nonsense now is cause of Palestine, and the Israelis not giving the Palestinians rights to freedom, so they are forced to fight, but America gives Israel all this money, right? And there army kicks ass. Nobody can beat those guys. So how else you gonna fight for freedom but to do that crazy shit those guys are doing. Look, I don't agree with everything over there, and both those guys each have their wrongs. But the Muslims are a brotherhood and when one Muslim sees another Muslim getting beat up, his instinct, his religion tells him to go and defend anyway possible. Remember, we see images on TV here that you don't see in the States. I ain't your typical nutjob, bro. I lived in the States, remember, I saw the two sides and you guys got no idea of what really goes down in Israel or Iraq for that matter. We see it here every day on the television. It makes people mad. And its behind some of these more extreme measure you're seeing.

Alright, Alright. I'm not going to get into a debate about that, mainly cause I probably agree with you, which really means I don't care about your opinion on that stuff. I'm really interested in what life was like for a teenager growing up in the States after starting life in a fairly conservative Muslim country like Yemen.

You wanna hear about my homeboys who terrorized South Boston in our Camel Jockey Gang Hoodies. Seriously, there was good and bad like you find anywhere. People treated me alright, but some were jerks. Most just thought I was another Mexican guy. And I didn't have my first burrito for like 2 years. It was kinda tough sometimes cause I tried to practice my faith and all around me it just seemed like the concept of values didn't exist. I was actually living in the suburbs and it was a middle class area. But all these kids worried about was material stuff. Clothes, electronics, cars. My, My, My. I don't think anybody I met in high school ever said a nice thing about their parents. I'm like, don't you guys realize your parents are supporting you and giving you life and you disrespect them like that, but they'd just laugh at me.

Dude, you're such a loser. Didn't anybody warn you on your Visa entrance questionairre that you're suppose to hate your parents until your, like at least 21, then you can slowly get close with them again. Didn't you see that Judd Nelson scene in 'Breakfast Club' when he's re-enacting a typical day with his Dad. A high school kid who loves and respects his parents just ain't cool.

See you say that stuff, bro, and I'm not sure if you're joking but that's what its like. That never happens in Yemen. This place is built on tradition that is very much influenced by Islam You know and understand that its your parents who bring you into life and support you for life and that there are no questions about your loyalty because after God, your family comes next. And maybe it used to be more like this in the States, and sometimes I can understand where your Christian people come out and say that the country is losing its moral values. And I'm not just talking about 10 year olds in mini-skirts. You know a lot of Muslims go on about the women thing and overall offense at the modern appearance of your women but I'm talking about fundamentals of respect. Take a look around here, and you will notice that even though there are kids on the street late at night that they always stop and listen when an elder speaks to them. You know they'll never be a need for social security here cause a child will always, without question, take care of his parents, as they did for him when he was younger.

It's probably better that way since our system is going bankrupt. Although you could probably do alright starting a chain of Muslim themed retirement homes. Nobody's got that niche in Yemen. Offer Halal meals, it will be great. Mabye provide some 11 year old belly dancers.

Bro, you're such an American, not only do you think its alright to send your parents or grandparents to some institution but you find a way to make money from it.

That's what makes us the greatest country. Ever. We've learned that doing away with old traditions allows us greater opportunity for economic advancement, plus, our retiring parents don't want to be around their kids anyway.

You see bro, I don't know when you're messin' or not, but this whole separation of kids and parents is insane. I think at least half, probably more of my high school class had divorced parents. And sometimes the one parent was on the other side of the country. How could anybody leave their kid and go move somewhere else. You know, I get it bro. You've got more chances to work in America then probably anywhere on Earth, and you can do as you please. That's good stuff. But I have never seen so many selfish, independently minded people. And in American you think this word, "INDEPENDENT" is something of an Award, some kind of achievement. The concept of community does not exist…

Bullshit, man. We got Green Meadow Phase 1 thru 4 now completed. Whispering Pines got a great community center. And Arbor Lane has a really sweet Rec center. Oh. The Villas at Rolling Meadows is due to open next Spring, and it promises an all inclusive community.

What? Let me finish, bro, alright. Community is a concept that is quite strong and not something abused by advertising people. Do you think Americans really know what's its like to live in an area, and really a nation, where there is always going to be somebody near by to help you out. That if you don't have money for the day, a restaurant will feed you. Or a person will take you in. Islam only requires a few basic things to be considered a practicing Muslim and of the five is to give alms to the poor. There is no selfishness in charity. So, these strong communities breed responsibility which makes crime hard to commit if everybody knows where to find you. Community is this brotherhood I mentioned before, and you know it when you're in it, and I never felt this outside the Muslim world. This kinda, you know, we're all in it together so lets laugh and live, but if we need some help on the physical level, there's somebody there.
What's your problem with independence? I think that's what makes America unique in that we do what we want as oppose to what others think is right for us. We couldn'tt spring the likes of Madonna and Charles Manson in a community inspired culture.

Independence ain't all the hype you think it is when you've got no communal spirit. Its like you guys think somebody is weaker taking their spouse to live in a home with their parents. Or that they live home until they get married. Or, that a neighbor should be embarrassed to knock on your door at anytime just to chat or borrow something. An American friend would tell me to call our other friends or neighbors before I would go over to make sure it was ok. It was like, bro, they couldn't answer the door and just say they were busy but be thankful you popped your head in. Or, that you can always count on somebody near you to help you out. You couldn't cause it was like a sign of weakness to ask for assistance. It was always about Me, Me, Me. And maybe this is why you are having such a marriage problem now because everybody wants what's best for them. There is no compromise, bro. There is no staying married to raise a family. And you rely on this thing you call love, which is really lust, bro, cause that can not sustain. If you don't have a family you love to keep you going, you're either doomed to split or just get lazy and live a spiritually empty marriage. Maybe not all but its pretty common.

Don't look at me like that. I'm not married. That's why I came here, to find me a wife. But you know, its kinda hard to decide on a wife when all I got to choose from are eyes. I mean, I don't want to be shallow, but if I unveil my wife on our wedding night and she's a dog, man, I mean just painful to look at…Im going right back to the Mosque and asking for a Do-over. Doesn't that freak you out?I get peeved enough when I find out that a girl's bra falsified her breasts by two sizes or some gal had on jeans so tight that when they came off it was like an extra butt fell out of there. The evolution of man has relied on the physical attractability of mates, especially the female to woo the appropriate male.

We have a lot of pretty women here in Yemen. Actually, I don't know that cause I haven't seen many of them either {Laughs}. Hey I don't agree with the dress. My wife, she covers her hair, but she wears normal clothes, just not skin tight stuff. You know, this does not come from the Koran, what you see. You've been to Lebanon and Egypt, which are mostly Muslim, and they've got more women looking Western style. These veils and full covers are from a time when the women were going across the desert and these clothes were the best protection against sandstorms and extreme sun. But its changing. Look at what the women are wearing underneath which you can tell by what is sold in the shops. Same stuff you got back home. And women are working a little more now, and going to college, and slowly these things with women are changing. I support that, and maybe I got that from the States and Dubai. My wife is a Nurse. I think the two sexes need to have some kind of roles but I think the woman has the right to choose. I also think you will see more people taking a little time to know the person before marriage. It may still be arranged but they will have time to talk before deciding. Not hooking up in the car, but simply talks over a few months or something. There are people fighting this but don't forget your own history. Women in your country couldn't vote or do many things 100 years ago. Change is always slow but once it starts there is no going back. So it should happen here too and I'm cool with that. Islam gives full rights to women. Americans just see the head covers but the Koran gives woman complete economic independence, more so then Christianity ever guaranteed. There have even been Women leaders in Islamic history and they have rights to be political leaders. We value the role of a mother in the home, not because she shouldn't work but because we feel a child should be raised by its own and not by some nanny like the States. And you will find that even the modern style of Muslim woman will usually prefer to raise her own children then to leave them to somebody else. They also have equal rights to education. The Koran gave women rights that were not available before Islam, nor in the West until modern times. Basically, all the things your constitution guarantees a woman were here as well, a thousand years previous. Our problems deal with a culture, not a religion that has been slow to change and sometimes the result of political leaders abusing the name of Islam much as some politicians do in the U.S., but Islam itself is not responsible.

Before I came here, many people in the States warned me of terrorist type activity and a hatred of Americans. I figured they were manipulated by the News but I can't believe how amazing people have been in Yemen. Stangers are always offering to buy me tea and lunch and pay my bus fare and sometimes walk 20 minutes out of their way to show me something or if they can't communicate with me they find someone who can. I walk the streets late at night and never feel any danger. Are they tryin' to get Visa priority to the States, or is this the real deal?

Obviously, I love my people, but this treatment is common for all foreigners. They don't care about where you are from, and they will always recognize that the political problems are the results of governments and not the people. I think this is even more evident then in the States. This idea that Arabs were or could be terrorists would never happen here, like where people would think Americans are psycho murderers cause we see what happens in your news with murders in every city on a daily basis or what the military does in Iraq. But this hospitality you find, and this feeling of honesty comes from Islam, and the more Islam in the country the more you are likely to notice this. The Koran tells us that honesty and respect are of the highest value. And because all the people are believers in Islam they take what it says seriously. If somebody was to cheat you, or not welcome you, or do something negative toward you, this would be considered haram in Islam, which means it is forbidden and that they could hurt their chances to go to heaven. A concept some non-religious people may laugh at but it works. Look at your crime rates in the States and the overall safety issues, not to mention the way strangers are often treated. When the country was a much more religious place, when people had respect for God and the Bible and therefore the responsibility to their community as well, you had very little crime. Even the black people some time ago were not doing these crimes. There is a direct rate in the States that shows as true practice of organized religion fell which I think was in the 1960's or 70's, the crime rates increased, and I don't mean belief in God which many American still claim but actually practicing their religion. By following and truly believing in the Koran it is impossible for a Muslim to treat people in any other way then the most gracious. Now, if you disrespect them, which would be saying negative things against their religion or imposing your views then that could cause problems.

When you say 'problems', I'm thinking an entire army of suicidal fanatics looking to kill innocent people at the first piece of public criticism against their, or your, religion.

You know bro, that may be a result of the most fanatical of the fanatics, but I was referring to public retaliation statements and such, that Muslims weren't going to let criticism go unanswered. I don't speak for those wackos who want to kill you guys. And you know there are over a billion Muslims in the World, and the small fraction that are involved in that nonsense say they do it in the name of Islam. Why? Cause for many Muslims, Islam is the center of their life, so anything they do, whether its get a new car, or a new job, or go to the hospital, Islam had something to do with it. Think of your Christian fanatics. They do the same thing. They're completely abusing certain phrases in the Bible to push some American agenda when a full reading of the Bible will show they mis-interpret most of what they fight for. And no one seems to get crazy over the I.R.A. who killed way to many innocent people in the name of Catholicism. Bro, I just want you to realize the appeal of Islam. But, you should know this, and I’ll never support anybody who kill’s innocent people, but bro, it ain’t a clear cut case of America be right and the Fundamentalists be wrong. It’s only been since the States got involved in middle east, and arab affairs that certain people have taken it as an assault against Islam. Think about it. America gives the most amount of money, I think, in its budget, to Israel who turns around and gives Palestinians no rights, keeps settlements in their land and keeps provoking them to make attacks against Israel so it can get more support. Bro, this pisses off Muslims. Then the U.S. supports all these dictatorships that treat our people terrible, whether its Pakistan or Egypt or right here in Yemen. The U.S. wants something, and if they get it, like Oil, then they don’t care how the government treats us. Again, really pisses off Muslims that they have these terrible rulers and the U.S. keeps supporting them. Then, the U.S. leaves military in Muslim countries, especially Saudi Arabia the birthplace of Islam, bro. C’mon, you see how certain people would get mad. And Iraq has made everything a real mess. So the people and the government back in the States better think about how it interferes in other people’s culture and what the results of that are.

How about the Jihad and the Fatwa. These things have become synonymous with Hate, and sometimes just make Islam look frightening.

Sure. I could understand that one. Those monkeys in the caves and the guys killing themselves are taking a beautiful word and desecrating it for all of us. Jihad, bro, its simple: It’s a fundamental concept that asks you to live a life according to God and exert yourself to do good and oppose evil. The part those jerks are screwing up is the section of Jihad that says it can be a physical battle when used for defense of the religion, like somebody entering your land to convert you or occupy you. But it also says that it cannot be carried out against the innocent. And that it can't be based on emotion of anger and revenge. And, yes, it really says this, that the enemy must be treated in justice and kindness. A lot of Muslims may not have a problem with Palestinians attacking occupying Israelis, especially the military but they don't support the bombing of babies. And the Fatwa. That's more ridiculous. It only means an opinion. A sermon, like a priest combined with a declaration. It's normally given for local issues and community related things and is never issued for global style wars. These fatwas you hear about are done by what you'd call renegade clerics, like those Doomsday preachers in America telling everybody they're going to hell.

I've been wearing those Yemeni skirts that the men wear, and occasionally a heavy wind raises it up and I think I've flashed my balls a few times, is that going to be a problem. Maybe get somebody to issue a Fatwa for a Jihad on the Infidel.

Wear underwear bro. And no, they will probably just laugh at you. Our people are still human, not wild animals. Do you think they haven't seen a man's skirt fly up in the wind? But I'm not sure why you aren't wearing underwear. You may want to stick to shorts.

Ok. There is something else, something that makes me laugh at religion, sorry, but do you really think we all came from some guy's rib and that man is only 5 thousand or so years old.

Bro, don't mock me. Yeah, of course. That's what our Koran tells us. But you know, when that was written nobody knew about the idea of evolution so every culture had their theories. But so what? I accept that as creation and you think the beauty of humans came about due to some kind of molecule barnacle thing. Is that a reason to fight? Bro, should that really affect the way parents and children deal with each other or how we treat strangers. Look bro, I know there have been some issues with modern science but don't forget that things like mathematics and astronomy grew out of the Arab world, and maybe in the future Islam will find a way to work better with science. But all this stupid anti-religion argument about creation should not be affecting how we treat each other.

What if the people don't want to believe, and they want to do their own thing, maybe prey to a stray cat or something. Or just watch tv all day?

Islam forbids this but if they choose to do that then that is their choice and we would do nothing about it. Islam only asks that people do not speak bad about it, but if those people want to privately do something strange then they can. I told you before that the other religions always lived alongside Islam. But most of our people do not choose the way against Allah because you are seeing the proof. Look how nice the people are to you. And look how nice they are to each other. Do you see fighting in the streets? Look how crazy the people drive here. And no one is ever yelling at the other drivers. But I remember in the States the people would try to actually kill you on the road. Some guy followed me for like 4 blocks once cause I accidentally cut him off and then he kept riding right on my backend before passing me while screaming out his window that I was a stupid fuckin' Mexican who should just go back across the Border. C'mon Bro. That would never ever happen here. Plus, nobody thinks I'm a Chicano here. There is a culture of respect that starts with God but continues down to people and also to the environment.

Is there actually stuff written about the environment in the Koran? Is that what Al Gore is basing his life around? Did you guys predict the internet also?

Joker. But there is a lot written about responsibility to the environment. The Koran speaks specifically about respecting the rivers, the mountains, the oceans, and the trees. It sees these as a beautiful creation of God and that we must respect them as they are a part of the necessary balance in our lives. The Prophet spoke of the need for protected areas for wildlife and the availability of green areas near people's homes. Any environmental problem is the result of overpopulation or business interests corrupting government. It is even forbidden to harm trees during war times. The Koran states that humans are responsible for taking care of the Earth since they have complete power of its livelihood. All of our original cities were built in complete harmony with the surrounding nature.

So the Prophet is the dude who really started this whole green movement. I wonder if he only ate organic.

Bro, can you not call our spiritual leader 'Dude.' We actually say "Peace be upon him" after we use his name, which I don't expect from you, but a little respect, please. And yes, he probably was, what you call 'organic' cause there are many topics dealing with diet and especially healthy diet throughout his speeches, and in the Koran.

Dude, I got to ask, cause this has been troubling me for last couple of weeks. Why does a book that is suppose to be as beautiful as the Koran say to Kill all the Non-Believers?

This is true but it comes from a different time. At the time of The Prophet, there were many competing religions and many tribes would fight each other. Through God, he established a religion that wanted to try and bring together people from all over the region. But the only way he could assure that his message would get spread was to fight those who resisted. This is no different then any other group of people in history. You follow me bro. Look, you are American, how do you think you got the opportunity to live on that land. You think nobody resided there before you. How about the crusades or the Catholic Church in South America. This has been the reality of human existence, especially in the past when the concept of human rights for all wasn't even a thought. And the truth is that those who believed in the Bible, were spared as the Koran teaches respect for those believing in the one God, but if the others didn't convert they were fought. And it worked, for the first time in history, Arabia which extended very far, was united. Today, that is an old statement for another era that is no longer valid but its part of the history. When was the last you heard of a Muslim nation invading a non-muslim nation, compare that to the colonial history, among others. Maybe you should go back and read the Bible and see all the killing that it promotes. Even some American places have laws that no one changes but are not enforced like laws that prohibit chewing gum, or jailing adulterers, or sexual positions that are, what do you say, you know, different. We are people that honor God, and if you tell them you don't believe they will look at you strange. Maybe they will even lose some respect but as long as you are not forcing them to stop believing nobody will care. Islam tells us that for some people it will be hard to come to God but there is always a chance and we must leave them to be in their own way. A lot of the West's issues with Islam and some of Islam's reactions deal with this forcing of ideals on to a culture that does not belong to the modern Western world. By modern, I mean one that is ore secular and consumerist oriented rather then what we might call 'traditional.' This does not make us bad, just different. But America and Europe have always had a hard time respecting the culture of others, assuming that whatever they do, its superior.

Our burgers are so much better then yours. And our women are way better pole dancers.

At least our cows aren't full of drugs.

That's only cause you can't afford them. Hey, I want to know how a culture of twenty-five year old virgins handles sex for the first with a woman they barely know. I mean, are they just staring at each other, giggling and touching body parts. Crap, if that guy was really a practicing Muslim, and went his whole life without masturbating, he could really injure a girl with his first ejaculation. Do you have any idea of the Pounds per Square Inch of pressure that must be unleashed? They should give the newlywed girl some kind of protective armor cause as soon as she drops her clothes, she's gonna need some riot gear style protection. I wonder if there are any hospital stories with newlywed women coming in with CumShot wounds.

You're a freak, bro. You ask me like I'm present every time a newly married couple gets it on. Today, with movies, I think that helps. But you know, its no different then it would have been for couples 75 years ago in America when pre-marriage sex was rare. They figure it out. Maybe it takes a little time, but it’s a natural act. You don't need 10 years worth of lovers to figure it out. Or like an American teenager, the first time. Eventually, it gets better.

I disagree. I think a guy's natural instinct would simply be to stick it in and when he's done, he's done, paying no attention to what the girl wants.

Screw the girl, bro. C'mon. Seriously. You think you're some kind of advance civilization when it comes to sex, and that all muslims chain up their women. Our Prophet, Peace be upon Him, taught us how to satisfy a woman. I see you laughing, but I'm serious. There is actually a collection of speeches he gave that talks about making sure a woman has orgasmed before you leave, and how to romance a woman and do a lot of the things you call foreplay. Really, this is all publicly available. I can't speak for the others, but I think my wife is pretty happy. We've got codes and guidelines for everything in life. Really, pretty much everything a human does in day to day life is discussed in the Koran or the Prophet's speeches.

Does he talk about the best way to fornicate with a camel? How about how to properly behave in a 'chat room?' Is it acceptable to enter a chat room under the opposite sex or a different age then your own?

I'm not going to even answer the first question. Although I will tell you its harder then it looks [laughs]. But the second one has to use other rules from the Koran to give guidance. That would be things that tell you to be honest, otherwise you are really cheating yourself and eventually your chances for a good afterlife. So if you are a guy playing on the internet as a girl to meet people, it’s a lie, and you know it, and a practicing Muslim wouldn't continue that.

What other rules you got in there?

Bro, the religion is a total guideline for living life. There are sections dealing with healthy diets and what foods to avoid. Economics rules set about fair trade practices and honorable word contracts. There is an entire legal system that gives rights to fair trials and evidence procedures. You are given rights against discrimination, freedom to practice religion and not be persecuted if you don't. There are guidelines for watching the environment, in a time when that was not really an issue. Women are guaranteed rights, and freedom from any kind of harsh treatment, and are given the right to full economic independence. It's a human bill of rights. It’s a legal code for disputes. And the vast majority of what you find is equal to laws and guidelines recognized by the U.N. No joke, bro.

But what about the stoning of the women. Or the cutting off of hands for thieves. Or the marry four wives thing.

You a piece of work. This is typical of the things people in the West complain about. Bro, the book was written 1400 years ago. You clearly got no idea of the bible. But since I've actually read it, and have the Koran my whole life as well, let me tell you that the Bible actually mentions stoning 36 times. Yeah, 36 times for various offenses as opposed to 4 in the Koran. Or the essential 'eye for eye' rule that was a very common way to treat offenses over the years. Its also outdated and only seldom used in Saudi Arabia. Like other past Rulers, those guys are abusing the Koran, and you don't see it in other Muslim countries. But, there is like no crime in Saudi. And the 4 wives deal, bro. This has got to be the biggest reason people think Islam hates women. 1,000 and one beautiful things and people got to pick on the one most unheard of in the present world. Here's the deal. First, its also outdated and rarely done anymore, but yes its still allowed. The Guy has got to be able to afford to care for the other wife, and she must approve or she can leave him. I know its weird, and I don't agree with it and 95% of Muslims don't even consider it. Bu think about this…Men have always been the ones much more prone to cheat. Historically and today, right?

Uh, I guess.

So men are driven by more physical attactiveness as you say and more likely to think with their, things, then women. Well, the Prophet, Peace be upon Him, came up with this rule as a way to stay within Islam's strict sense of honesty. If the man was going to cheat, he'd be on his way to a hellish afterlife, but since he was most likely to be tempted, he had another option so he could be with another woman. Make it public. No secrets. No running around to motels. No lying to your wife. You want to sleep around, then you support this woman and you'll feel good about being honest to all. But I've been trying to tell you so many good things and you just try to find the controversial stuff. This is why some Muslims get mad at the West cause it seems the Media doesn't have an appreciation for all the beauty of the religion, but harps on one case in Saudi Arabia when I can cite 100 more cases of wrongful convictions, federal violation of constitutional rights, fighting wars that kill innocents while abusing the term 'freedom'. Wake up, bro. The so called modern white humanists don't seem so understanding anymore, do they. You never ever heard of this idea of terrorism from Muslims until European involvement screwed up the Islamic world. Israel is the direct result of the British and later American support. Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq, Lebanon,…same story, bro. And most of the regimes that rule, suppress the people while gaining financial support from the states. Bro, even right now in Yemen. Our President has been in office for over 30 years. Total Dictator. We should be a rich country with all our resources but he steals it all. And who is his good buddy now. Bush. Saudis, the same. Pakistan, the same. These places are ruled by tyrants that screw over their people. So can you blame a few, what you call extremists, for getting mad, and trying to get back their old system, one based on religion that served the region peacefully for over 1200 years. Ok. Maybe they are extreme in trying to set up a Taliban type state but you can see where the anger comes from and how it allows the most extreme of attitudes to develop.

Man, you know a lot for a computer geek who plays around on boats. Maybe now I understand why Cat Stevens converted to Islam.

How about Neil Armstrong, the guy who walked on the moon. People claim that his conversion happened because he heard the calls to prayer from the mosque on a trip to Turkey and claimed he heard the same thing on the moon. You ever notice that the flag is always flying in the photos, but there is no wind on the moon.

Good point on the flag thing. You're nuts about the first. I can understand your admittance of Ali G. but you've got to get Louis Farrakhan excommnuincated. That guy just spews hatred. Plus his bodyguards have really given the Nehru suit a bad name. I'm really sick of wearing the double breasted.

There you go, pickin on the one bad apple. Yeah, my wife is American black muslim but she always complained about that Nation of Islam and what an embarrassment to Islam they were.

Don't feel too bad. The Christians are still figuring out how to deal with the Jehovas and I'm pretty sure most Jews would throw the entire Hassidic population in front of a suicide bomb. Even the Hindus that come to America are forced to witness the freak show we call the Hare Krishnas. Surely, the Man the Peace be Upon must have said something about there always being a Black Sheep.

Actually, yes. Only that there will always be somebody that does not follow the rest, but if they are not committing a crime, then they will only act as a test for our tolerance and mercy.

A few days passed since Abdullah and I had discussions related directly to Islam. But he confounded me. His ideas, anyway. It was like him and Amir sat on opposite shoulders telling me which way to turn. One night we took the boat out along the glassy turquoise of the Indian Ocean. After carefully avoiding religious conversation for the last few days, I couldn't hold it in anymore.

Dude, I've got to ask you this, and don't be offended. But I thought a lot about the things you said, but I just don't get the appeal of organized religion. Not only Islam but the whole pantheon of God fearing dogma. Fine, you've got nice things to say, but it just seems to get abused and holds a noose around people to cooperate.

Bro, I'm not offended. It's an honor to discuss this with you. And I get that you're probably more secular like a lot of Americans. Let me try to break it down like this. And truthfully, its not gonna be much different then Christianity or Judaism. Ok. I'm going to get into the plain-speak way. Islam, and maybe many religions, is a way to give people structure. Not to keep them prisoner. A human without structure, without guidance, without love, can be a very dangerous and depressed creature. A person can very tempted to cheat others, to lie, to steal, even to kill. These are all things that hurt the peaceful advancement of humans. And you would agree are wrong. But for many people, a system is needed to keep them doing these things that we agree are better, or right. Which brings us to the heaven and hell part that probably bothers you. The only way to keep people living a life on the right course is to deal with their fear that is also human. So if people are guaranteed a life after they die, and are given something to look forward to versus, what would you say, something to be really scared of, they are going to try and aim for the life that promises them a peaceful and enjoyable next life. This concept also works great for people having difficulties in their life, and need a way to look forward to a positive way out of that. The promise of living life in accordance with rules we'd agree on allows them to cope much better. Maybe one way of looking at an aspect of all this is as a Big ol' coping system You see how happy the people seem here and other poorer countries you have visited. I promise you that is directly related to their belief that the Almighty will provide good things for them and that their being looked out for so they shoudn't worry about the problems cause they will be taken care of. If not now, then definitely in the next life.

Man, how is somebody supposed to believe in something that is scientifically impossible.

Life is full of many mysteries that Science can't answer. A person wants to know why he can't get a better job, even though he's trying his hardest. Somebody needs to know, needs to deal with a tragic death. Or maybe somebody is overwhelmed by the shear beauty of a landscape or a flower, and science only tells them why it came to be that appearance but doesn't explain why they have the rush of feelings inside their body, instantaneously upon viewing. Believing that there is a reason for this, that somebody, or something is responsible and at the same time is all loving, is very re-assuring.

But what about when they doubt the legitimacy of what their being fed? Maybe a major disaster just wiped out somebody's family and they say that no God would allow that to happen.

They must keep believing. That's why prayer is important, and why Islam actually makes it one of the few mandatory things to keep you a devout Muslim. Yeah, 5 times a day cause somebody knew that humans would be prone to question and lose faith. But having faith then shows you through the teachings that tragedies are a part of life and that there is always balance in the world and that things will not always be pleasant, but again, if you follow the guidelines, which basically amount to what you call a 'solid citizen' then you can be assured that those who died are going to a great place, and you will have the chance to see them again. Sure, sounds weird to the non-religious but when you believe bro, and keep faith, you are assured, there are no doubts and you cope far better then those without faith. Actually, I recently heard that science is trying to test the concept of miracles, especially in hospitals. They are finding evidence that people of devout faith are sometimes having unheard of recoveries that science can't explain.

Science is also testing the ability of urine consumption to lower blood pressure. Those guys test anything. That's what they do. Otherwise, I follow you, sorta, on a logical level. But because I don't have this faith and I'm prone to find the faults, I just can't grasp it. I live by many of the rules you talk about without having to claim faith in any one particular religion.

Maybe you do. And that's ok. It's your choice. I'm not going to force you into this religion, bro. It's ok. Guys in long beards & machine guns aren't going to be waiting for you back on the dock. But I'd like to leave you with one idea, cause I don't think there's much I can tell you without getting into serious specifics of the Koran that require a complete belief in the word of God. I know you have this critical idea of religion being the cause of wars and death and hypocrisy. But that's not the reality for those who actually practice Islam, and have practiced it through the generations. And maybe for the others too. That's the results of leaders who abused it. Religion is all about love, bro. Islam is love. Compassion. We all want to feel what you would call 'Good', right. Heck, Americans are always trying to find some new wacky way to feel good, or better about themselves. But instead, so many of them, no matter how much money they make still have a Poverty of the Soul, which is why you find here, in Yemen, poor people much happier then I ever saw in the Stats. Well, if you're surrounded by love, all the time, and you do your best to practice compassion, then what's going to go wrong in life. If you know that somebody, in this case, God, is going to be there for you, forever, no matter what, just follow some rules, and he will never ever leave your side, then how can you deny that power. Do you think that you're going to be guaranteed that somebody, some human is going to care for you and accept all your faults no matter what. Family is as close as that gets but they still fail in their total love compared to God. Why do you think the number one topic of literature, and movies, and art and all that stuff throughout history has been about Love. Why do Westerners make such a big deal about finding their True Love. Cause nothing, absolutely nothing compares to that power. People get doses of it doing drugs, or having sex, or having bonding moments with friends, or other instances, but the only way you can have that feeling all the time, forever, is to have unquestioning faith. And if the rules required for that, to get the love, you know, are the same rules that modern countries expect their people to live by, then these organized religions you may have a problem with should actually be a solution to many problems, especially when those in power don't abuse the teachings for their own gain.

Sign me up. Yeah, I follow you and I can dig everything you're saying. Man, it's incredible out here. Laying down on this little fishing boat off the coast of freakin' Yemen. That warm tradewind. The waters tinkling with the phosphorence. That blanket of stars above doing the same. Not one single sound. And that light smell of salty air. And I've got to admit, pretty cool company to share it with. This is a great moment. Beautiful, really, just one of those times you can't find words to express it. But I think you know what I mean.

God, bro. What you're feeling is the Almighty himself.

Whatever. Don't go ruin the moment. It just feels special. One of those times you want to keep with you forever, and open up on a sad day.

Same thing.

Abdullah's words continue this eternal ping-pong in my head. Maybe it's a simple case of terminology. Being so stuck on the connotations of a word, applying nothing but negative characteristics to it, and yet accepting a different word, meaning the same damn thing. Like hatin' Islam and diggin' Muslims. Or is that more like hating a government, but loving it's people. Or hating lesbians and loving hot girl on girl action. Arghhhh….

Abdullah vs. the tag team of Amir & Khadji. Both their words, their feelings, their passion continues to pull me. Maybe the acceptance of a duality would soothe things over. The ol' yinyanger, manwoman, logical/creative, emotion/reason, circles and squares, pens and pencils, queers & steers, earthwind&fire plus air…shit, that screws that up. But if science and religion each accepted the validity, or at least learned to deal with the other side, perhaps a progressive march toward peaceful existence would be more attainable.

You hear one side of the story. You hear it with passion and conviction. Seemingly, all truthful. You begin to believe it, unfailingly. Resolute and Ready to defend. Then, caught by surprise, you hear the other side of that same story. You don't want to believe. You think they lie. But this time, this time you trust the source. And they speak with that same passion, that same conviction. Now what?

People, especially American peoples, are raised under a core philosophy of 'Winners and Losers.' Others may be molded on the concept of only good or only bad. Few people want to go into the middle. The grey. That little parcel of land between borders. That challenge of compromise and defeated beliefs. It's easier to be absolute. To just choose, damnit. Who wants to think? But the Eastern Mystics, the Zen sages, they already know this. And so Sony Playstations and Shinto Temples play peacefully in the gardens of Harajuku. But those people, those philosophies, aren't here. In the Abrahamic world of JudeoChristoIslo absolutes. In the noveau secular's scientific superiority. If only those lovers of love, Mohammed and Jesus could make one of those comeback tours, like aging rockers, they'd sell out arenas across the globe. "One night only, playing together for the first time, in their first appearance in over one thousand years with special appearances by Moses and the re-united duo of Cain & Abel, opening for Led Zeppelin. Tickets on sale, this Saturday at 10am. Sponsored by Sony and Coca-Cola."