The cathartic beats of the pandeiro. The sensual strumming of the cavaco. And the constant rhythm blasts of the surdo. Samba. The heartbeat of Rio de Janeiro. Music so infectious that quadriplegics failed by the healing hand of God´s anointed child, The honorable Reverend Benny Hinn, have found themselves pulled from their two wheeled wrecking machines during a Samba spell. It´s magical music promises to awaken the latent rhythm from within the uncoordinated confines of the whitest of honkies. I felt the Power.
Meeting people in a dance environment has always been preferable to meeting people at the office. First, there are many people who don´t have an office. Including, a very attractive, pregnant homeless woman who would like me to give her money for another drink. Second, if people are moving..swaying...shaking that arse as Shakespeare famously noted…then one need not worry about inappropriate introduction lines. Nice shoes, wanna fuck? Or be fluent in the local syntax. As was my deficiency. One of many. A smile and a wiggle. And keep wigglin´. You got it. Uh..oh. Look out. Here he comes. Yeah, that OTHER guy. Don´t be fooled by the passive grin and back pat you receive. He´s not asking her what time it is. What is he still talking about? Yoo-hoo, remember me? He won´t leave. And if you interrupt, to continue dancing or chatting, your new third wheel will simply return like a horsefly on crystal meth. He will remain by my side the entire evening, until I decide I wanted a divorce anyway. I/You/We have been COCKBLOCKED. Known in Portuguese tounged Brasil as ÇÖÇBLÔÇO.
For our reading, a Cockblocker is defined as any person (scientists have still not determined if animals are cockblocking creatures) who prevents a cock from entering another person´s cock receptacle. A cockblocker may be a man OR a woman. Equally, a cockblockee may be man or woman (since most lesbians, except you kinky Lipstickers, are presumed to hold cocks). Other known definitions which are to be dismissed from this conversation, include a fledgling Russian homosexual political party, any neighborhood street which has banned female residence, a chopping board for live fowl, and a lacquered piece of mahogany where an adult male receives a phallic flambé.
Currently, the Brazilians are the reigning World champions of Cockblocking, which they have held since stripping France of the title in the Great CockBlock SploogeOut of ´98. Any male, regardless of status or stature, is guaranteed to experience the pride of Brasilian Conversation Interruption. Only those engaged in public coital discourse are exempt, and even then, the Brazilian man will patiently wait for the dismounting man to wash himself. Then he will attack.
As you read, Brazilian men are intruding on unsuspecting men and their coveting desires throughout the nation. A young man in Sao Paulo just lost the opportunity to finally make out with a woman he spent the entire evening talking to. A recently retired single male in Salvador went to buy two caipirinhas. Upon returning to his date, he finds two men (sometimes they work in pairs) refusing to allow entry to his former partner. A rehabilitated cockblocker in Rio is furious as an intrusive guy spends hours describing his tattoos (do you know what this Chinese inscription really stands for?) to the blocked´s fiancé. The Vice-President of Sales for a local shoe manufacturer is choking tears as his boyfriend of 8 months has been intercepted by a smooth talking mezclado who continues to find amusing anecdotes that prevent the V.P. from returning to his lover. Its Yellow Fever all over again. The land of Thong & Honey is experiencing an epidemic that officials are unable to control. What can be done to tame an untamable population?
Before discussing the present, we must review history, a lesson the U.S. government still has not learned.
Hieroglyphics found in Luxor, Egypt dispute the myth of the alleged Evil villain, Set, by depicting his brother Osiris as constantly interfering with his encounters with females. It is after one particular drawing with the Goddess Isis that we fail to see Osiris appear in future pictures. Egyptologists have always claimed that Set committed an act of Disgrace by murdering his brother. The theory of cockblocking now disputes this long held belief.
Sacred classified Vatican texts allegedly claim that Matthew had a life long crush on Mark, but the constant cockblocking of Luke made any attempt at true kindling an impossibility.
As the Romans brought a hedonistic spirit to a formerly untoga-ed world, it also unwillingly brought the first great epidemic of Cockblocking. Thousands of Sicilians discovered a natural ability to hijack impending relationships. Nero is said to have been quite the skilled Cockblocker.
Russia´s Catherine the Great is rumored to be history´s first documented Female Cockblocker. Her talents became so legendary that she would throw parties at her palace in Saint Petersburg just to see how many prospective couples she could CockBlock in one evening. If the Blockee´s protested she had them hung, and drank banana milkshakes with the fetid juice of their captured testicles. She later credited this potion to her miraculous ability to levitate after downing a barrel of Popov Vodka.
In mid-19th century London, during the reign of Victorianism, a group of East End derilects devised their own dialect to amuse the escorts of those upper crust Hyde Park wankers. When the woman seemed to tire of the unbeknownst language, another ruffian would enter the fray and begin conversing with Lady of the Hour. Eventually, an entire group of these men would be charming the woman in the most unusual of idioms. The original date, that wanker, was never able to regain his mate. And the language went on to be known as cockney.
Early 20th century North America saw rival cockblockers appear for the first time. Italians were cockblocking the Irish. The Irish started cockblocking the Jews. The Jews were too timid to cockblock anybody, so they started wagering at social gatherings on who could out-cockblock the longest, the quickest, and the most numerous. Soon these cockblocking mobs organized their efforts to form entire blocks of united cockblockers. Blockin´Da Cock,as the New Yorkers called it, became a viscious battle for neighborhood control that would later be documented in West Side Story(although certain nationalities were changed due to the Producers´own affiliation).
World War II saw the affective use of cockblocking prolong the war. In the Spring of 1942, Winston Churchill was meeting with a female German spy, disguised as a flower vendor in Kensington Station. A neighborhing flower vendor, perturbed that the Main Man was not showing her attention, immediately came between the two parties and began discussing her lament in the low quantity of flowers men are bringing home these days. A new biography of Sir Churchill indicates that the spy in question was actually an emissary sent by Adolf the Rednose Reicheer to negotiate a possible armistice. Furious that her historical significance was obliterated by a nosy cockblocker, the spy recommended that Rednose increase his aerial assualts. Two days later, London was bombed.
Meanwhile, the machista bloodlines of South America had been growing over the centuries. An ancestory that includes Western Europe´s most prolific rapers was guaranteed to spawn a lineage of disrespectful domineering faux sensual males. Mixing European decietfulness with African brute strength and the indigenous population´s captivating beauty produced the lethal mix required for Global Cockblocking Domination. Utilizing their unique accent, and superior dancing skills,the Brazilian Men overtook their Spanish speaking neighbors as the greatest race of CockBlockers the World has ever seen. Or, at least that I have ever seen.
Why aren´t are kids learning the dangers of cockblocking? And shouldn´t parents be taught the warning signs? Where are the Public Service announcements, This is Your Child...This is your Child, Cockblocking. When will people start chanting the Just Say No mantra of the new millenium, STOP THE BLOCK. Are psychiatrists finally deciding to classify it as a mental illness, just as they launched the careers of mental retardation, depression, sleep apnea, and erectile dysfunction?
Preliminary reports from the American Psychiatry Society, who are a breakaway group from the American Psychiatric Association (apparently something to due with a discrepancy over Penis Envy, which the current President claims she never had, citing her lifelong penis deficient female lover as incontrovertible proof) have already started to classify the various subgroups of Cockblockers;
Incidentals: This individual is prone to interrupt entangled discussion by chance, and would really back away if he/she knew what they were doing. Person not in need of medication, but could use a strong hint, including, but not limited to, Excuse Me or the more direct Back Off, Geek, that´s who I´M trying to bone.
Beneficiary: This individual may be either male or female, and demonstrates a prolific awareness of a negative future that may arise between the soon to be, cockblockee and the receptacle. Their intention is consistently well-meaning despite the lack of recognition and/or hatred from the one who received the cockblock.
Jealous: This individual has feelings of hurt, most likely expressed as jealousy, toward one of either party involved in the conversation. The offending individual is likely to be aggresive in the manuevering, and may even resort to forceable wrist holding if person encountered tries to exit the encounter. Medication recommended.
Latent Homosexual: This individual is generally a man, and is expressing feelings of dismay, that his Crush may actually be a heterosexual. A particulary dangerous cockblocker as he may elect to block either one of the conversing party. Some Latents have such deep seated desire to further their fantasy, that stalking may follow. Institutionalization may be necessary. Do not ever Urinate in front of the offender, or offer to Suck him off.
Chronic: This individual may or may not be conscious of his/her interfering. They harbor an unquenchable desire to dominate. And once they have conquered, they must find another unsuspecting party to interrupt. They generally first approach the person who will become known as the Blockee. They manipulate this individual by discussing generic matters. After gaining the confidence of the soon to be dejected, the Chronic CockBlocker will slowly initiate conversation with his attempted prey. He will knowingly outmaueuver the blocked party with a constant flow of questions and short stories. If asked to leave, the Blocker will only change his demeanor to make the Blocked appear rude and selfish. Medication is mandatory but unproven. Castration or Death may be only options.
Some advocates have recommended that perpetrators be required to adorn some sort of visible marking that will make the public aware that a cockblocker is within sight.
Initially, offenders were asked to ejaculate into a government monitored tube before leaving the home and/or office. Due to objections over the inefficiency of the system, and certain extreme left wing complaints of ¨cruelty¨, the program was halted.
Currently, two systems are being debated. One would mimick the success of the Lance Armstrong Bracelet by allowing the violators to appear as a part of the citizenry.
The maroon band would be mandatory upon conviction and the offending cockblocker would pay a one-time issuance fee of $200 which would be utilized to fund further research into the relatively unstudied and tragic disease of CockBlocking. The bracelets would be branded with: BLOCK COCK
Another proposal would have only chronic cockblockers be outfitted with a small blinking light that they would be required to wear on the outside of their shirt.
The LED light would safely allow any person fearful of receiving a cockblock to change location until the blinking light is no longer in sight. Further uses have been suggested for this groundbreaking device:
Women who were seeking a one night stand, or an extremely short, but passionate relationship would be obliged to wear such lights. This method has proven to protect many women from unwanted advances, while guaranteeing that horny females can no longer complain about not finding a lover, and men...well...they simply increase their odds.
Straight men who are brought to Gay Clubs with their fag hag girlfriends, or even with their non-straight friends, would be able to purchase the light in an effort to prevent unwanted ass-grabbing. Inevitably, a gay patron would mention to the straight man that his special little light looks Sooo gay.
Economists are excited about the possibility for new job creation, especially crucial during an upcoming election year. Certain economists are crediting the new disease classification on par, if not greater, then the Psychiatry Board´s approval of Erectile Dysfunction several years ago. Tens, perhaps hundreds, of internet solicitation jobs were created. And a few ladies even won highly sought-after acting roles in which they portrayed smiling women rolling happily in a field of flowers.
And the trickle down affect of Cockblocking is considered far greater economically. Cockblockers will be able to purchase cockblocking signal jammers, while potential cockblocking victims will be able to turn vibrating cellphones into cockblocking signal scanners, therefore allowing them better concentration on their nightly subject. Skilled technnicians will be needed to repair the slew of new technology promised to flood the market. Wall Street can barely contain itself.
So, if you or a loved one is guilty of CockBlocking, then keep your thoughts to yourself, and find your own conversation, you fuckin´ slimy cockblocker. And, If you want to witness the greatest Cockblockers on Earth, head to Brazil soon because after the Reformation, the great cockblockers of today may be the gentleman of tomorrow.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
